SHE WANTS TO TRY NEW THINGS? WITHOUT HIM? UH OH...
THE SYSTEM says that women help you when they like you - whenever they do not want to include you in stuff that is not helpful, right? It's amazing how many guys refuse to accept that obvious fact...
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I’m 23 and I started reading “The System” two years ago. My older brother, who had just recently married, gave me his copy of your book after his wedding and told me to read it and learn from it. At the time I was involved with Lisette and thought, “Why the heck do I need a dating book?” But I read it and found it really interesting. The principles worked and things seemed to be going just fine between us. I was a Challenge. We both had our own circle of friends and kept things fresh.
I started dating Lisette when I was 21 and she was 18. It was young love. She always talked about marriage and she even wanted me to move in with her when we were both attending university in the same city. I thought we were too young, and told her it was best to take things slow and put an emphasis on school first.
About nine months ago, Lisette decided that she wanted to try new things, and since she was moving away for a university work-term, she decided we needed some time apart and to see other people. I was floored. Since then I’ve been using “The System” extensively and having real success with it. I am enjoying the company of plenty of nice women. The problem is that Lisette is home and she wants back in. I know your rule is to never go back with an “ex.”
When Lisette split, she still wanted to be friends, but I declined, and eliminated her from my life. It was tough, but we never spoke from the day she broke up with me, until a few weeks ago when she came back to town. She wanted to go out for coffee and I said “No!” Then I got an e-mail from her pouring her heart out, saying she never dated anyone else when she was away and that she made the biggest mistake of her life.
What should I do, Doc? I know that the rule is to never go back with an ex, and I also know that you warn us about young girls. My life is good, and I don’t have bad memories from my relationship with Lisette, except the sour taste from the break-up. Should I delete her e-mail? Or should I go for coffee and see for myself?
Dirk - who has to admit he’s curious
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Let me tell you something. My book is not just about dating -- it’s also about keeping a man’s wife happy. Why your brother gave you his copy of my book I’ll never understand. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “I sure hope your brother knows what the heck he’s doing!”
It was perfect that you told Lisette that the two of you were way too young to get involved. When she informed her parents of this – “I tried to get Dirk to move in with me and he wouldn’t do it because he said our education is more important” – they’d have to think more of you and you’d have to pick up all kinds of points with them.
The problem of course is that you weren’t scoring points with their daughter. To you Psych majors, whenever a girl wants to “try new things,” it’s because the “old thing” – i.e., YOU – has gotten BORING. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That means you’re predictable and a snore and you ain’t no fun no more.” Lisette’s telling you that all you want to do is hang out and you never want to go out and have fun or that you’re all over her like a cheap suit. Is it just a coincidence that she wants to see other people? Darn, what a funny coincidence!
Guy, why were you floored by Lisette’s revelation that she wanted to be free? I’m floored that you actually believed her explanation!
Dude, I’m sure you’re enjoying success with my book now – with all new women. Because as I’ve told you guys a million times already, once it’s over, it’s over.
You can’t let Lisette back into your life. She had her chance. She practically came right out and told you to your face that she was suffering from low Interest Level. Like my cousin Doctor Love says, “When a girl wants to go out with other guys, dance with them and kiss them, it means she doesn’t like you -- anymore.” Du-uh.
So how it is that all of a sudden Lisette saw the light after she decided that she could do without you forever? You know what my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, don’t you? “When she’s got nothing to do that night, all of a sudden you don’t look so bad.” But once her Interest Level hits 49%, it’s over. Gone. Like the Reality Factor says, “It CAN’T come back.”
When she came slinking around and trying to get you to take her out, you should have...
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So sad, but Doc is totally correct, you mustn’t go back.
I think all men experience this in one way or another. I have had many girls who got flakey, so I dropped them, they always come back in some way – sometimes it is a power thing, they want to be the one’s to dump you, sometimes they are desperate to have a baby, who knows.
What I have also seen is women who I was invisible too, up too the age of like 29, suddenly become obsessed with me once they hit 27/30! They were busy dating other guys the whole time (and sleeping around), but they see me as a good schlub (read ATM) to settle down with (and later divorce, because I have high income) before their fertility drops through the floor at 34. So you have to be very careful of this dynamic and only settle down with a girl who is in fact attracted to you and not because you are a doctor or lawyer (this is easier said than done, and honestly I am struggling myself, as most of the women are playing a game here of some form or another, and the stakes are high and dangerous).
The dating world has become far worse with social media and dating apps, as women’s expectations have become more deluded. It is a new low. It went downhill from the pill onwards, and the values in the West have all but completely eroded. There is no shame anymore, and people don’t understand that religions evolved these mechanisms, becuase they are very important for societies to develop and not be degenerate. This is why practically all religions view marriage as sacred. Also until recent decades, it was viewed badly if a woman had even more than minimal partners before marriage. Watch some old films from the 50s and you will know exactly what I’m talking about. The average woman today would have seemed vile just a few decades ago, and shunned by the community. Many men had virgin brides – practically all the men in my family going back have married a virgin bride. I feel like lamenting the quality of woman on offer, as there are no virgins anymore (or even fairly low partners), this is all but extinct.
There are recent studies showing millenial men from 18-29 are sexless (mostly, not that they are necessarily virgins), but the women in the same age cohort aren’t and are having regular sex each year. This is what happens when society let’s young women push back marriage till the 30s, the women party with a small group of attractive men and ignore their “future husbands” till they are almost infertile. I’ve read the average “notch count” has inverted from what it was for baby boomers (another lamentable fact) – for men it is 3 partners per lifetime now, for women it is 7 or 8 (obviously with a small pool of men). But these are averages, there are many women (including a friend of mine who admitted when she was drunk), who have such a high notch count in their 20s they have lost count completely! They honestly don’t know, they have slept with so many Alpha men. My friend said she doesn’t even know their names or remember their faces – she went on 4 dates per week for 2 years flat from Tinder (and many men were sexual partners, not just dates)! The problem is the poor fool who marries her eventually will not be able to bond with her, as studies have shown women with even more than 3 partners find it very difficult to bond with their husband (stastically divorce increases for this group, after 7 partners, it hits very high chance of divorce). One reason is women can’t go back, if they have been with a 10 for a while, they can’t then be married to a 7 later (even if they are a 6 or 7 themselves), it doesn’t work unfortunately. Also the way we evolved, is that women bond strongly to the first man (or the first few men) the woman is with, so after a certain amount, there is literally no point in marrying as it will certainly be a disaster (statistically anyway). Just some interesting thoughts I’d share. Good luck.
You certainly paint a grim picture but in my thousands of interactions with men and women I do believe that good people finding each other is still possible – there are a LOT of good women out there. Are there bad women as you describe? Sure! Can good women paint a nightmare scenario like you did but reverse it and blame bad men? Yes! The point of https://www.doclove.com/system is for a good man and woman to get together and watch each other’s backs as they wish each other well in a long-term relationship. Easy to find? No. Possible? I STILL BELIEVE THE ANSWER TO THAT IS A RESOUNDING YES. Don’t let yourself get too caught up in statistics Toby – you only need one good one.
That is certainly uplifting to read and I have to keep a positive mindset.
I will admit however it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a suitable mate, and I’m not really fussy at all. I honestly think the “mating game” has significantly changed over the last 7 years or so, with the rise of the dating apps – I have heard other dating gurus agree with this completely and that it is much more difficult to date “fertile” marriagable women then it used to be even 10 years ago (i.e. ages 22 to 32) I’m 31 years old right now, and I do get dates – I also have a high powered job that puts me say in the top 5% salary level in the country. The problem is that even for me now, I find that the girls are full of problems (attitude), boast of their former boyfriends and prior experiences (with more attractive guys), and many are single mothers already – many don’t even want kids at all and say this openly (to my shock). They are often dating other guys as well as me at the same time! They do not want to bring up being a boyfriend, you can wait and wait, they never bring it up.
The problem gets worse as the years go on as these girls do end up having kids, just not with me! It is the more attractive guy who has had his fun for a short while and moved on and married on his level eventually. They want me to pick up the tab later on for their lifetime, but I will not be able to reproduce myself. I’ve asked some of these women, “OK, you have a couple of kids already, are you open to having say 2 more in the future, you’re only 29/30”, the answer has been so far “No, I’ve already done that part of my life and I’m looking for someone to settle down with, I don’t want more children and I have to be honest I’m not willing to have anymore”. On some introspection the last year, I decided that I will not be happy being with a single mom (even if she did come around to having more kids), no matter what, I will prefer to live the rest of my life single, and that I would be really unhappy playing a stepdad to not my own biological children. So the situations is growing grim as I grow older, as I think as I get later into my 30s, single mothers are all there is to go with. It’s a rare woman indeed who hasn’t reproduced by then (even if she said she didn’t want kids before! it was just not with me, but I can pick up the tab later). Also (and I’m not being rude, it is just what us guys look for in a wife), the notch count of the unmarried 30+ women is very high, they have been dating for years, so it’s expected of course that this is what will happen. They have been bouncing from one boyfriend to the next for circa 2 decades.
And then all of a sudden you meet “her” and all the bad stuff is thrown out that you went through. Listen, unlike some online dating gurus that claim you can have any woman you want I won’t do that – I’m always going to be based in reality for my students – there is nothing in the world that will guarantee you will meet and find any woman you want. However, I’ve seen it happen to thousands of students. In fact, read what this guy says: https://www.doclove.com/2015/08/dating-women-advice-you-changed-my-life/. I know it can be difficult and frustrating when it seems like you keep going on the same type of date over and over again but remember, it only takes one good woman. You also may want to consider calling the show (it’s free) at https://www.blogtalkradio.com/datingwomenradioshow – I’m on weekly and you can ask questions. You may need a change of scenery – maybe where you are currently looking for women is not right for you – maybe it’s just giving you the same old, same old frustration. I can help you via phone coaching if you prefer to be private: https://www.doclove.com/phone_coaching/ with what you are going through. I know it’s not easy man but stay with it – you are a VERY young guy and you have plenty of time. Remember it only takes one good one and she’s out there.
Date younger women. You’re better off. Less emotional baggage and no kids. Just watch out for those with exes in the background. The hot 40 yr olds who looks like they’re in their 20’s. are looking for guys who make good money and want to have kids IMMEDIATELY. Go for younger women.
That’s a pretty big generalization – I have interviewed plenty of 40-something women who are attractive and have had offers from 20-something men. Their reaction? “He’s too young for me, we’d have nothing to talk about.” I still stand by my conviction that ODDS ARE you have a better chance with someone around your age – within 10 years or so but I’ll also state this: EACH GUY HAS TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISION because I cannot possibly account for every single variable in every single relationship out there. I’m only going to tell you where you have the best chance to succeed.