MY MAN NEEDS A SET OF EAR PLUGS TO CONTINUE DATING HER!
THE SYSTEM says that it's not a good sign if she's yelling at you - that should be obvious but it's not to this guy...
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Dating Women Podcast #232:
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I reference your book whenever I have relationship problems, but I’m having trouble finding something that pertains to the one I have with my current girlfriend.
Holly and I have been together for four years and we have a good relationship despite some ups and downs. We date three times a week and talk by phone twice a day. Sometimes Holly’s Interest Level dips, and when that happens I try to make myself more of a Challenge. It usually works, but sometimes she responds with lots of anger.
Recently Holly has been more naggy, less affectionate, and she’s snapped at me, though she still asks to be with me and calls a lot. I respond by being indifferent to her bossy remarks and I’ve also stopped taking her orders when she wants me to hang out with her instead of with my friends.
Last night the tension reached a climax. Holly wanted to be with me, but I planned to go out with my friends. As a compromise I told her that she and her friends could come over and that I’d make them drinks and they could go out afterwards. But she tried to convince me again to go out with her and became very upset when I told her no. I gave her valid excuses, but this sent her into an uncontrollable rage. I was able to calm her down and eventually told her I had to leave, but not before she laid into me for 20 minutes.
I know that Holly will come around, but I don’t think it’s okay for her to yell and treat me badly and for me to continue to act like it never happened. I want to make her happy, but I need to get my own emotions out too or I will end up bitter. Any suggestions, Doc?
Leo - who’s at the end of his rope
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
I occasionally get letters and e-mails from guys who complain about the same thing you’re complaining about: “Help! I’ve read your book three times and can’t figure out which end is up.” Make no mistake about it, guys -- the answer to ANY question about women and dating IS in the book. But let’s go ahead, and if the answer isn’t there, I’ll apologize.
You say have a good relationship with Holly. Leo, this should be a GREAT relationship. A SPECTACULAR relationship. There shouldn’t be ANY ups and downs. When you hook up with a babe, why would settle for something that’s not incredible and exactly what you want? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got 50 years for trouble once you get hitched!”
You and Holly get together and talk on the phone HOW often? Dude…one-third of “The System” is Challenge! You two are so on top of each other all the time that there isn’t any room whatsoever for Challenge. Excuse me a second while I go drop a Xanax!
Trying to make yourself a Challenge now is like closing the barn door after the bull got out. You should have stayed a Challenge from the get-go. Right now you’re more like a yo-yo. You play hardball with Holly and get her to come at you, then when she does you go straight back to being a wimp because you think she’s changed. You don’t see that it’s being a consistent CHALLENGE that’s affecting her, putting her exactly where you want her.
But as it is, Holly is getting really ticked off at you. A big part of being a Challenge is HUMOR. I hope you’re handling this situation with a good dose of humor, pal. Because when a girl’s Interest Level is down to 51% to 55%, and it’s headed toward 49%, you’re going to need all the gentle humor you can muster.
When Holly displays all this contradictory behavior, you have to...
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Great advice Doc, gentle humor is the perfect solution to diffuse anger. I’ve watched her instantly melt after a light-hearted joke about the situation or worst case after a few hours completely forget the reason for being angry to begin with. The key is to not let yourself get too angry and look for the humor in everything. She might not admit it but she needs you to be the leader in these situations.
Thanks for the support!