RATIONALIZATION = TROUBLE
THE SYSTEM says that some guys RATIONALIZE when they're attracted to a woman - don't make that mistake - never lose your logic.
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I have been a follower of your techniques for two and a half years now and “The System” has become a powerful part of my dating life. I have heard you say that on many occasions guys look to you for coaching when it’s already too late. They don’t recognize the red flags in their relationships, and by that time, the woman’s Interest Level has dropped below 50% and they are history.
I’m writing to get your opinion on my relationship with a woman by the name of Salma. She is a 23-year-old, good-looking, first-generation, American-born woman of Jordanian extraction. (I know that’s a mouthful, but I want you to have as many details as possible.) She recently graduated with an accounting degree and is working at a nearby corporation.
I met Salma at a volunteer workshop hosted at our college. The first two and a half months went smoothly. I would call her, set up a date and we would not see or talk to each other until the date. She was always energetic and bright and would constantly be touching and kissing me by the end of the date. Nine dates later, I gave her a rose in a gold box.
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At seven months into this relationship, I’m continuing to keep my hands to myself and let Salma chase me. She pays for the occasional date. I have tried to steer clear of heavy subjects as much as I could during this time. I’m now trying to dissect what Salma’s Attitude is made of. Here are some of the things I’ve noticed:
1. Salma likes to talk about guys hitting on her and trying to pick her up. I’ve remained cool when she does this and have switched the subject on occasion but have stopped short of asking her not to talk about it.
2. There is no intimacy between us. Being of a Catholic and conservative background, she wishes to wait until she is married.
3. She is of a different culture, which sometimes makes for a very different way of seeing things.
4. When challenged, she becomes stubborn and inflexible.
5. She lives with her parents, and there is an unwritten rule as to what time she must be home at night and what activities she can and cannot do.
6. She broke a date two weeks ago because she had to help her sister-in-law set up for a birthday party the next day.
7. When I schedule dates up to five days beforehand, she will call before we see each other to say hi.
Doc, do you detect any red flags in her behavior that I should be truly concerned about? I’m stuck on Salma, but I don’t want to overlook anything that’s truly dangerous.
Samuel - who doesn’t want to wake up when it’s too late
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
What you said about Interest Level was a mouthful. If a woman’s Interest Level dips from 95% to 85%, the guy should immediately back off. But of course he doesn’t see it that way. He finally gets the hint that something’s wrong when her interest drops to somewhere between 55% to 65%, but by then he’s already in more trouble than the Titanic when it met that infamous iceberg. To you Psych majors, he always reads the signs too late. But through memorization of my principles, this can be prevented.
It’s good that Salma is gainfully employed. It means you have a self-reliant woman on your hands, Samuel, and not one of the worst species of female on earth -- the Mercenary. And she’s supposed to be energetic and bright and constantly touching you when you’re together, so that’s okay, too. If she springs for the occasional date, it means she’s a Giver. She’s not supposed to take care of half of the dates, but an occasional date is a very good sign. So far you’re doing great, kid.
Now let’s take a look at your list. You’re doing the right thing by switching the subject when Salma brings up how guys hit on her. But how often does she do it? Is it a constant theme, or was it broached only once or twice? When she lays this stuff on you, you should counter by telling her about the models who’ve been doing photo shoots outside your apartment, and can’t resist coming in and asking to use the bathroom, then hanging around and having a glass of water with you. Then check out how she reacts. In other words, rather than ask a woman not to do something -- which all mankind should know is nothing but a waste of time – just bring up how other women are always coming on to you and you don’t do a thing to encourage it.
The problem of intimacy has a really simple solution, buddy. As long as both you and Salma are okay without it for the time being, that’s all that matters. The rule is that the later you have sex, the better.
You’re not giving me enough specifics regarding where your girlfriend’s exotic culture is a problem. But she’s ultra-conservative, and that’s good. With all the wild ones running around, you’re better off with a girl who’s not partying as hard as Rihanna or Lindsay Lohan.
Just how often does Salma become stubborn and inflexible? If she does it once every two or three months, you can live with it. But if she pulls that act every second or third date, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you got a problem!” And here’s something else -- how are you...
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