DUDE, SHE'S TRYING TO GO OUT WITH YOU!
THE SYSTEM says that you shouldn't let yourself get played BUT REMEMBER THAT YOU YOURSELF HAVE TO BE FLEXIBLE too - sometimes when you're in the dating scene things with her won't fit into a neat little box - schedules may be off, she may prefer to communicate online instead of the phone, etc. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO GO WITH THE FLOW and really understand what she's telling you so you know if she's truly interested or not. Unfortunately our man below totally missed her buying signals.
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I am 27, an advanced student and would love some feedback on a matter which has MANY interesting layers to it and will probably be very useful for all advanced students!
I am an attractive and sought-after guy who is very successful with women (thanks to “The System”). I’ve been dancing tango, where you invite through eye contact a different partner to dance every 10-12 minutes. I met an absolutely gorgeous girl, April, 24, danced with her for 15 minutes, and decided to ask for her number, after I received some buying signals between songs.
I always go for the number because I want to practice for the next girl. Do you think it’s okay to take her out anyway, even if it’s just practice? She said “Do you have Facebook?” which I translated as “My interest is lower than 50%.” I responded with “Well, that’s a bit personal, isn’t it? Let’s start with the number first!” To which she said: “Okay, I just don’t know my cell number, that’s why I suggested Facebook.” Which I translated as: “I don’t want to go out with you (but I want to friend-zone you because you’re a good dancer.)” I pushed it even further to test her. I pointed at her phone, which was in her hands: “Then just put my number into that and call me.” She agreed. So this girl is giving me mixed signals.
Two days later she texted and asked me to a Tango event. I accepted, then, not wanting to waste an opportunity, asked her out for dinner. She said “Let’s make it coffee, not dinner.” My interpretation was: I’m out. She is trying to befriend me.
I then withdrew my offer. Here’s the interesting part: she offered, right after my withdrawal, that we should meet and tango as dancing partners. I replied that I’m not looking for dancing partners, as I have more of them then I can count. She was in complete shock! She even said “Oh, I don’t know what to say.” I hung up and flushed her number down the toilet. Twenty minutes later, she texted: “I’m not looking for dance partners either. I just wanted to suggest something to meet you one of these days. See you around.”
Doc, how do you interpret this sudden turn of events? I still don’t believe she was sincere.
Brucie - who wants an interpretation from the master
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While you always want to be practicing for the next girl, you have to be open to a date with the one you’re practicing on! In other words, the one you’re practicing on might very well be the next girl. And you’re not going to practice on someone that you’re not interested in, right? So are you telling me here that you have low Interest Level in April? To you Psych majors, you don’t take girls out when you have low Interest Level. When I said that you have to practice, it means that if you like the girl, odds are it’s only going to be practice because the relationship won’t work out anyway. So you’ve misinterpreted my words, pal.
When April asked if you had Facebook, it might have meant that Facebook is how she likes to communicate, and you mistakenly took it as low interest. In other words you were reading too much into it, Brucie. And you should have had April just call you and you would have had her number when you saw it. Simple. On the other hand, when you told her to call you, you gave up control. So now you’re sitting around hoping for her to call you, so that move was a mistake. But April wasn’t giving you mixed signals. She would just rather go through Facebook than a phone, that’s all. Again, you’re overanalyzing the situation, dude.
WHAT??? YOU didn't sign up for my free 7-day dating course yet? Did you not understand the word FREE?
Then April asked you out to a tango event, but you wanted to take her out to dinner instead. Brucie, you don’t make a date when you’re already have a date! As I say on my Doc Love Club Radio Show, you don’t stack dates. Are you sure you’re really an advanced student?
While April said let’s make it coffee and not dinner, the important point was that she was willing to meet you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “It don’t matter if it’s coffee, dinner, or you’re eating hay with the cows.” So you’re not out, man. You just have a hair-trigger reaction to whatever April says. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re being way too uptight.” Remember, you don’t turn down the incoming offer of a date.
When April asked you to meet as dancing partners, she was asking you out AGAIN. And again, it doesn’t matter if...
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Poor girl. She got hammered.
I think even if these two went out, this sort of hair trigger behaviour would have killed whatever positive feelings she had for him. I made the same mistake and got kicked out by a girl who was in love with me at the beginning.
Since then, I have learnt to relax a little.
If its a red flag, the girl will show bad behaviour repeatedly. A one off incident is usually a misdunderstanding. Overreacting does far more damage than being slightly lenient.
Could not have said it better myself – thanks for writing!
Good read. I have to admit though – given the context- her saying she doesnt know her number and suggesting facebook is one heck of a curve-ball. It happened to me once, and I busted caprice on it(with lots of humor of course) but didn’t get any further ‘help’ from her, so i ditched the pursuit.
Nice – great story Moe! Thanks for writing!
I’m a bit confused about your answer and here is why. The System says that connecting to women on social media doesn’t count because we want high IL from the beginning which I think wasn’t the case in this situation. If she really had any positive interest in him, I think she would make everything possible to give him her number when he asked. Like for example, ask for his number so she can call him on the spot for him to have her number.
I’m a Doc Love student since the Summer of 2016 and everything written in The System makes so much sense to me but this Facebook situation confuses me now.
Thanks for weighing in – the best thing to do is join The Doc Love Club – http://www.docloveclub.com because each week we take calls and archive the shows (since 2011 – hundreds of hours of audio) because we tackle questions like this. The IDEAL thing is to get her #, wait 5-9 days, call, get a date, have fun then rinse and repeat until she’s your girlfriend but sometimes you have to pivot initially – remember that THE SYSTEM is designed to have you UNDERSTAND the spirit of the law and not try to place every situation in a box where you’re trying to follow the letter of the law. She wanted to connect on social media which you know is no good BUT by the same token that’s how she wanted to communicate and if everything else was right with her then you take the shot – it’s more important to get in front of her on a date than it is to always have every single rule followed. This is ADVANCED thinking and won’t apply to every situation (IE, don’t take this like you can now just try to connect on social media with every single girl) but in rare cases it will. This is why I tell you guys to really internalize THE SYSTEM so you can hit these curveballs – call the radio show at http://www.datingwomenradioshow.com weekly or order phone coaching at https://www.doclove.com/phone_coaching if you want more clarity.
He may be successful with women but he really blew it on this one which makes me question how successful he really is or if he’s just puffing his chest. Check out this conversation which sounds similar to his
Woman: Heyyy, I need a partner! let’s go out dancing sometime!
Man: I don’t need a dancing partner. I have plenty of dancing partners.
Me reading the article: (facepalms) What the hell dude. That escalated quickly. Why?
The End. Bye bye potentially great, loving relationship.
Great comments – thanks for weighing in
One point I would like to bring up is that I would feel uncomfotable giving out an web address or link to my Facebook page due to a woman searching on it, and giving her the chance to get too familar with the person I am. I know that a person should be careful what they post on social media, but I would like to have my page represent me in a casual way instead of my page looking like a professional Link-In Page or dating site profile. I would wonder too if there was an alternative motive like looking for red flags on me through searching my page. I usually am very careful these days of what I post on there, but I would not want to give out my facebook information to any woman I have just met. I dislike social network sites for that reason, because someone will always want to use you social media pages to find dirt on you, if it is a woman you have just met, lawyers, employer that is looking to hire you, a employer looking to fire you, other co-employees to get ahead of you, guys trying to be blockers, etc. I could be reading too much into that myself, but I would take what she said as a red flag with me wanting to try to clarify why she wanted access to my Facebook page over using a phone or even email for that matter. Of course after she offers a date, then you know you can relax a little, but I still would be careful of letting her view and talk to me a lot over something like Facebook.
Michael I’m with you – social media can be dangerous – listen to my latest podcast on that: https://www.doclove.com/2018/04/21/dwp-129-when-dating-women-you-can-really-limit-your-success-if-you-do-social-media-wrong-find-out-how-to-not-let-it-hurt-you/
However, the point I was bringing up is she wanted to connect that way and you have to balance getting in front of her with the need to limit contact on social media. I don’t disagree at all with your take though.