JEALOUSY = LOW INTEREST LEVEL
THE SYSTEM says showing jealousy will severely limit your chances with her - too bad our reader didn't follow this advice.
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I’m on my third reading of your book, which makes lots of sense to me.
I’m an insecure 42-year-young man with abandonment issues. I was married for eight years to a lesbian without knowing it and we have a child. Five years after my divorce I was going steady for a year and a half with a twice-divorced, mother-of-three. Amber was an angel-like dream for me. Even though she’s older than I am, she’s a stunning looker. Despite my emotional issues, I was able to trust her so much that she’s the only person that knows that my ex likes women.
For some reason I became paranoid that Amber was flirting with other people, both men and women. I confronted her and she always denied it. She even went to my shrink with me, and he told me that I overreact to things. Well, it got better for a while, but then my jealousy started up again and we eventually broke up.
After 15 days without contact, Amber sent me a message stating that although we can’t be together, she has always liked me, still likes me and always will, and that she misses me very much.
My question is this: was I really imagining things or not? I can provide you many instances of when I thought Amber was flirting with other people. You’re the expert, Doc -- am I projecting my past onto this woman, or was she always sabotaging our love? Is there hope for us? Can we beat our demons (we both have them) or is it a waste of time?
I think if we both wanted it, we could be happy. But every time we were doing okay, Amber seemed to have the need to do something that she knew would upset me. I would then start feeling jealous and the cycle would repeat itself. The shrink said that it looked like we both wanted it to work, but we don’t seem to be able to do it. Is there hope for us or are we in denial and we’re just too full of luggage for one another?
Ronald - who feels doomed
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
It’s great that you’re on your third reading of “The System.” And you’re going to continue reading it. You’re going to read it once a week for 15 weeks, then you’re going to read seven pages a night before putting your head on the pillow until you get married again. That’s the rule.
Now, it’s okay to have abandonment issues – or other issues – AS LONG AS YOU DON’T VERBALIZE THEM to the woman you’re dating. It’s that simple! CONTROL YOUR TONGUE. You can be insecure, you can have the lowest Self-Esteem of any guy on the planet, but when you’re with her, just put on a happy face.
Why didn't you sign up for my free 7-day dating course yet? Did you not understand the word FREE?
Now let’s talk about your first wife. Something’s wrong there. When you’re living with a person who digs people of the same gender, how could you possibly miss that, dude? Are you sure you’re fully aware of what’s going on around you?
Here’s another principle you missed. After you go with a woman for six months, “The System” says that you trust her a little bit. You don’t just throw your total trust out there. She has to have a record with you of consistent behavior without Red Flags.
And you broke another rule, Ronald. You don’t talk to your girlfriend about your women from the past. She’s not your psychiatrist. And it doesn’t raise Interest Level to do that. It doesn’t make her laugh, does it? This is why you have to read my book 15 times. You’re forgetting all the invaluable information in those pages!
The reason you think Amber is flirting with other people is that she’s outgoing, a talker, a stunner and when you go out with her to a restaurant and sit in the corner with a long face and all depressed, she’s talking to everyone around. To you Psych majors, if she’s a knockout, people are going to come up to her and talk. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Everybody likes to talk to Beautiful Women.”
And why are you accusing Amber of something negative when it could just be...
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What if the lady in question happens to exchange phone numbers with one of the strangers.how should he go about it without showing jealousy
If that happens you show NOTHING to her and then take her home and never call her again or respond to her calls or emails or texts – SHE’S OUT but you won’t show her anything negative – you just delete her from your life
Hey Doc what if I’m with a girlfriend for 6 months and the jealousy insecurity started rising lately and I do talk about it with her and shes understanding and helping me through it its not that big of a deal but its still meets me from times to times and I feel like if I don’t talk about it , it adds up and then explode in a ugly way where I start a fight for no reason I wanna work through it for the sake of me her our relationship and future relationships she gives me no reason at all to be jealous shes super loyal and honest and that’s why im honest with her and talking about it any other advice other than hiding it since its not really working for me long term?
This is something that requires me to go back and forth with you – you can call me free on my radio show at http://www.datingwomenradioshow.com (I’m on weekly – get the details on that link) or if you prefer to be more private you can order phone coaching here: https://www.doclove.com/phone_coaching/