WAITED TOO LONG TO CALL?
Did he really blow his chances with her because he waited too long to call as his female friends claim? NONSENSE!
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I’m a longtime follower of “The System.” I’m 51, look 41, and act 31. I’ve made my rounds on the online dating sites since divorcing five years ago and have taken my lumps, learned a lot, and fortunately found your book last year.
Courtney is 42, with two children age 17 and eight. We met on a dating site three weeks ago. We exchanged phone numbers and she immediately called and we had a nice conversation. We’re both single parents with busy lives, so the only date we could set up was for eight days later.
On Wednesday we got together for 90 minutes over dinner. The conversation was light, funny, no discussion of relationships or exes. I walked Courtney to her car and we hugged in the parking lot. She said “Give me a call so we can meet up again.” Fifteen minutes later she texted me that she got home safely and thanked me for the good company. I had told her a funny little story about some goofy sunglasses I had and she said she was still giggling about it and asked me to send her a picture of me wearing them.
Anyway, that was last Wednesday and I waited until Sunday night to call her with a plan to ask her out for next Wednesday or Thursday. She didn’t answer, so I left a message to give me a call back. Since then, five days ago, nothing.
When I told this story to two female friends, both were adamant that because I didn’t call or text Courtney the day after the date, she figured I have no interest and therefore wasn’t going to return a phone call from me that was four days too late. They both said that if their husband or boyfriend had done what I did after the first date they would have written them off and ignored them altogether. They also said it’s possible Courtney didn’t see the message or that her child may have intercepted her phone and erased it. They both claimed that by failing to call her I dropped her Interest Level. They called me stubborn and controlling and said that I should call or text Courtney immediately so she knows I’m interested.
What gives, Doc? Should I try calling again or throw Courtney’s number away?
Chucky - who’s trying to follow your rules
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
This woman appears to have had high interest in you and everything on your date went perfectly, which was a good start. But one of the reasons that you’re not supposed to call within two days is because you want to work Challenge on a woman. Every other guy calls within two days. Doing that slaughters Challenge. And the bad part is that women have come to expect it whether they have 51% interest in you or they have 100% interest. So, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Since all guys do it and all women want it, why not just ask her to get married on the first date?”
The biggest complaint that women have about dating single guys is that THEY RUSH INTO A RELATIONSHIP. “The System” on the other hand teaches men to SLOW DOWN. When you slow down, the woman’s Interest Level goes up – UNLESS she has low Self-Esteem or she’s structured. So when those women don’t get back to you or accept a date, “The System” is actually PROTECTING you against women who are uptight or don’t like themselves. So while it appears that you did the wrong thing by waiting to call Courtney, in reality what you did was weed out a woman who isn’t good romantic relationship material.
Why didn't you sign up for my free 7-day dating course yet? Did you not understand the word FREE?
Now here’s where your female friends are wrong. You showed your interest because on your date with Courtney you did everything right and showed what a classy guy you are. There is no such thing as “too late” in dating. Just like there is no rule for when you have to call someone. My rule is to wait five to nine days. You went by the rule. Think about it. What if you had other plans in the meantime? What if you had a big project at work? What if you were moving? What if you had some kind of family emergency? What this tells me about your friends is that THEY ARE UPTIGHT AND STRUCTURED. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Had they written off their husbands and boyfriends, those guys would have been lucky!” And like Elvis once sang, “A hard-headed woman, a soft hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began!”
These articles give you a lot - but not enough - you need THE SYSTEM if you really want to be successful with women. Not sure? Read our "you changed my life letters."
Okay, so maybe Courtney’s kid did erase your message. And maybe tomorrow the sky will fall in. What you’re going to do is...
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Sorry Doc, you are wrong on this one. There needs to be a balance of challenge and showing your own interest. Real Interest is mutual and that is what is exciting at the beginning for a couple. They are in the relationship together, from the beginning, or they aren’t. I have done it both ways, and if I want excited at the beginning like they were, then that’s what they read. I waited 3 weeks to call a girl back after getting her number and I never heard the end of it through the whole 1 years relationship. You have to answer their risk with reassurance sometimes, but especially when they don’t know you. With that girl, it was like I had had my one chance with her and everything else was a cautious “i don’t know if i can trust you” thing from her. When i showed equal interest in a girl who was very interested in me, we talked everyday, became girlfriend/boyfriend, were long distance for 2 years, she moved to me, and we had 18 loving years together. Financial troubles and mold in the house made the little problems get much larger, but mostly it was that I got upset and showed her that MY interest level had dropped and I didn’t like her anymore.
Both genders are taking a risk, and if it’s not reciprocated, no one, especially a female who gets to be the receiver or rejector, wants to feel like they are vulnerable and alone in it.
I’ve followed you for a long time and agree with most of your tough love, self respecting advice, but it only works after you get them loving and trusting you. I hope this helps done guys out there.
You are not a believer in the central rule of THE SYSTEM (https://www.doclove.com/system) that says that a man must lay back in the beginning to see if she is truly interested and even more important – structured. You say there needs to be a balance of challenge and showing your own interest but that is contradictory – the essence of being a challenge is so she can wonder about your true feelings thereby raising hers (if she’s not structured).
I’m consistently amazed that guys fall for this line of nonsense that says you have to call back in a day or two or text them when they want you to or you’re not interested and have to be flushed by her. So, it’s not enough he asks for the number, calls, plans a fun date, picks her up, shows her a good time and acts like a gentleman – while all the time risking rejection from her because at any part of that process she can say “no thanks!”
Guys, it’s enough that you take them out and show them a good time while being respectful and there is nothing wrong with them stepping up and showing THEIR interest IN YOU – it’s not all on you as this reader suggests.
I have to side with the Doc on this one.
I can’t believe you allowed her to turn the tables and challenge you for a year.
When a girl says something like that it is a challenge to measure your response, or your level of control.
Every time they mention something like that you have the opportunity to build interest by giving an unexpected response that will build attraction.
When a woman says “I can’t believe you made me wait 3 weeks”, instead of giving a typical response, or worse a response of you submitting to her challenge, you are losing interest.
A better repose would be something playful like “You’re lucky I didn’t wait longer”, or “most girls I make wait 4 weeks”, or even “ I should have waited 2 months, I was really enjoying being single”.
Each answer like this will shock her that you are maintaining composure and demonstrating control.
Use each opportunity to build attraction, instead of demonstrating the behavior that she is expecting and allowing her to feel as though she has more control than you do.
Thanks for weighing in – appreciate the support
There’s another factor to this however, just to make you guys aware. Some of these girls go to internet forums or message boards like Loveshack. They ask people about a guy they’re dating who doesn’t text them in between dates and usually they get 10, 15, 20 responses. These responses are usually mixed but sometimes it’s in favor of the guy being dumped because he doesn’t text, so now you have ten to twenty blockers from the Internet that you don’t even know about. But I’m ass7ming it’s only a small number of women who would go to message boards asking for advice and the odds of the girl you’re dating it is very slim, but then again who knows really. Just be aware of the Internet blockers.
Great take Jasper – thanks for weighing in