AVERAGE GUYS HAVE NO CHANCE?
A study he read suggests that average guys have no chance with women. True? It sure makes sense - to him - and maybe to you but find out why the study is flawed in so many ways...
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108: She only wants to see him once every 6 weeks or so???
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I am a long-time follower and really respect your work.
I stumbled across a study recently which showed that women rated 80% of all males as below medium attractiveness. On the other side, males rated women on a bell curve of normal distribution. The inference was that women are only significantly physically attracted to the top 20% of men -- i.e., the ones who look like actors or models. Women’s standards were shown to be unreasonable (and dare I say delusional!) while men’s weren’t, despite what the popular culture around us constantly repeats like a mantra -- that men’s standards of female beauty are unfair to women and objectify them!
This really surprised me, but has explained my online dating experience. I estimate myself as around a 6 or 7, and while I do match up with a few women on dating sites, the numbers are low, and generally the women are unresponsive, lethargic, have little interest, are flakey or can’t be bothered to write back. I also generally try for women a tad below what I feel is equivalent to myself in attractiveness if I find something intriguing about them. But even these women (4s and 5s) largely reject my advances as not good enough for them. These are women around the same age as me (29) who have very little interest even in someone (based on my estimates) who is more attractive than they are. So I’m not talking about pursuing Beautiful Women here! In real life, I’ve had similar experiences: women around my physical attractiveness level are very difficult to court (they are generally uninterested), but I get a lot of unwanted incoming interest from 2s to 4s, who I am uninterested in. I’m not being shallow, but I just don’t see it as a fair trade, that I should be with an overweight woman when I have an athletic physique.
“The System” says that dating is a numbers game, but the above study really shocked me. This also explains why the divorce rate is so high: women feel unfulfilled and resentment sets in. They are now saying the rate of young married couples is the lowest it has ever been in the history of the Western world and that the trend will continue. My buddies who are fairly average looking but totally decent guys do even worse than me. They have admitted that they have gotten zero matches/responses in online dating -- NOTHING! It’s as if they don’t exist. This is really depressing. Meanwhile, average women complain about their dating experiences and their troubles with guys, and the reason is, most of them are chasing the most attractive men and getting burned! They are, generally speaking, batting out of their league and feel entitled.
Doc, do you agree with the study’s findings? How can a decent average guy expect to pass the “Physical Attraction Test” when the average woman is deluded and thinks she deserves a GQ model?
Bucky - who feels defeated
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
First of all, you’re talking about just one survey here. And just one survey will create a smokescreen in your mind. What you have to realize is that you don’t need 10 women. You just have to get ONE great woman – that’s the goal.
Common sense tells you that if women only went out with actors and models, there would be no marriage at all. The truth is that average and below-average looking people are getting married – all the time. Of course every guy wants the cover girl on Elle magazine, but out of a hundred women there are only three of those and 97 average-looking women, and the vast majority of them get married. And they are marrying average-looking guys, because not every guy looks like a GQ model. So like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Every dude wants a knockout, but there aren’t that many to go around.” And if the results of this one survey were true, there would be no marriages! Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If only good-looking people got married, no babies would ever be born.”
Bucky, if you’re not getting responses on dating sites, it’s because you didn’t go to a professional photographer. You either took a bad selfie or had your buddy shoot your picture with a phone camera. Better photographs can make a world of difference in your results.
Why didn't you sign up for my free 7-day dating course yet? Did you not understand the word FREE?
To you Psych majors, when women scroll through a dating site, ALL THEY DO IS LOOK AT YOUR PHOTO. Lots of average looking men could improve their odds drastically if they dressed up, got a haircut, and smiled, as if they were ready for an interview for a major position with a top-flight multinational. You’ve got to have...
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Top stuff Doc !!
Thanks for the support!
I know that survey, it was done on OkCupid. The thing is, what the letter writer neglects to mention are the most important aspects of the survey. The full details of that survey state that while women may have rated the men more harshly based on their photos, and the men rated the women more fairly, men across the board still chose to only message the top 10% most attractive women on the site. It also points out that men, on average, don’t restrict their dating age preferences to women their own age as women do, but instead male interest extends to women far below their own age as they themselves get much older. So it’s men and women both who lean toward the superficial, not just one.
Thanks for weighing in Jenn – I appreciate it.
As a man who DID have pro photos taken a few times, it made no difference in the frequency or average number of matches.
Online dating is only a numbers game for handsome men who have NOT been filtered out for things like height, age, or income.
Your height is the number one slayer online. Even if you get swipes for looks you can expect a sharp decline in responses for every inch of height under 6”. Being swiped and getting a date are miles apart.
If a man can’t get a date in a bar, he’s not getting a date online.
The one thing THE SYSTEM (https://www.doclove.com/system) does not do is absolutes. If you’re 6’5″, in your 20s and a fitness cover model sure you have better odds to get more responses but it’s not about volume – it’s about quality. EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN. IS. AN. INDIVIDUAL. I don’t care if 999 out of 1,000 filter you out due to the fact that many women want a certain height, age and income you only need that one to think “hey, he seems interesting.”
Also, I don’t agree with the bar analogy – that oversimplifies things. “Well, I struck out in a bar 100x which means I’m never getting a date.” First of all bars are not exactly the best places to find a serious relationship and second, as I said above NO ABSOLUTES.
Hang in there man – if online isn’t working for you try something else like speed dating, taking classes, dance lessons, etc. Remember you only need ONE GOOD WOMAN.
I took Doc’s advice and I’m in an Improv class which is a lot of fun and is helping me with women. While I’m not interested in any of the women in the class, the things I’m learning are helping me interact better with women in general and to be more funny. Find what works best for yourself and don’t get depressed about some negative info found in the media. It’s a waste of time.
So true – great advice!!!
Guys. There steps.
1. Lose 20 pounds. 2. Dress decently. 3. Get your pictures professionally done.
I did those three things and the response was dramatic. Plus it improves your confidence in everything you do in the online dating world. Women pick up on your confidence and respond.
Be your best self. You are settling for being overweight, having poor posture, and wearing sloppy clothes but want to date a woman who has all of that together? You will end up being disappointed. If you are playing the long game, and you should, start with yourself.
I work out 4x per week and travel extensively to climb mountains and waterfalls as hobbies. I dress well, own three properties mortgage / debt-free and have a great job. I also have zero chance with women so I don’t waste time approaching because I know every one will reject me every time. Some of us have no chance with women no matter what.
The fact that you have visited a dating website tells me that you do in your heart of hearts feel like you do have a shot – you just have given up hope temporarily but I can help you get it back. Plug into my weekly dating show at http://www.datingwomenradioshow.com and even call in – and you should explore my podcast too with over 200 episodes and counting (https://www.doclove.com/category/dating-women-podcast/) – you can plug into both of those resources absolutely free and I am sure you will find much that will resonate with you.
If I make sense to you on my radio show and podcast then order https://www.doclove.com/system because it will change your life.
The big thing is DO. NOT. GIVE. UP. & don’t take women personally – you have personalized it to the point where they can probably feel your lack of confidence and desperation. Check out my materials and if you internalize them I guarantee that women will never look at you the same again because you won’t look the same at yourself. In fact, I will make a prediction – if you do end up getting https://www.doclove.com/system and really internalize what I’m coaching you’ll look back at what you posted and think a stranger wrote it.
Don’t lose hope guy – it only takes one good one and you’ll find eventually that that good woman was a want in your life – and not a need.