TWO LOVES OF HER LIFE???
So he is the love of her life but so was some other guy. Huh? How could she have TWO loves of her life? Oh man, this reader needs some SERIOUS HELP!
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I’m in a very tough situation, and I hope you can help.
I’ve been with Erica for a long time. We met 13 years ago when I was 19 and she was 18. She basically picked me up, we were intimate the first night, and we got very close for three months until I had to go back to college. We remained friends. When we were apart we each had other partners, but when we were together it was real love. I felt like we were always close spiritually and loved each other.
Erica got married when she was 26, and had a son who is now five. The marriage lasted only two years, then she met another guy who she called the love of her life, but couldn’t stay with him for various reasons. She moved back to Minnesota, where I live, a year ago. We started talking, then became intimate again but on a higher level this time. She got pregnant, but we lost the baby. Now she’s pregnant again with my daughter.
Doc, there have been Loyalty and faithfulness issues with Erica in the past. She cheated on her exes, sometimes with me. I know because Erica and I are very good friends and we talk openly about everything. Now I’m basically her husband without being legally married. I support her and my stepson financially – rent, bills, allowances, you name it. I told her that once this relationship started I had to have her complete Loyalty. She told me I did, but sometimes I feel like I don’t.
Now Erica has gone on vacation to the city where she lived with the love of her life (he still lives there). She will be there for a whole month. This is very hard for me. I can’t go with her because of my job. I feel almost sure that she will be intimate with him or someone else when she’s there. She’s promised me that if she does, she will tell me. But I’m not okay with it. This to me is one of the most disloyal things a woman can do to a man, especially since I’m paying for the vacation, I support her and her son, and she’s pregnant with my daughter.
How do I handle this thing? Part of me wants to say I’m done with her, another part says ride it out. Erica does take very good care of me and pampers me. I don’t know for sure if she will cheat on me, but I feel like she will. Why would a woman do this to a man?
Dale - who has good reason not to trust her
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
Wait a minute here. You say that when you and Erica were apart you had other partners, but when you were together it was real love. Dude, real love means there are other NO OTHER PARTNERS! To you Psych majors, real love is exclusive.
Now let me get this straight. First you tell me that you’re the love of Erica’s life, and then you tell me she has another love of her life? How is that possible? Doesn’t “love of your life” imply only one person?
How could you and Erica be intimate on a higher level? If you’d been intimate on a higher level, it would have meant that you two would have gotten married. So you didn’t go to a higher level, Dale. You’re actually on the same exact level you were on when you first met. It might have been a higher level in your mind, but in reality, nothing changed.
Why don't you have The System yet? It's THE definitive book on dating and relationships from a MAN'S point of view. I've interviewed THOUSANDS of women asking them why they CHOOSE to stay with one man versus another and what I've LEARNED from women I TEACH to men.
I’m very sorry that you and Erica lost a baby. Losing a baby had to have a terrible effect on Erica’s mind, besides the fact that she wasn’t married to you and was having a baby out of wedlock. But aren’t you and she practicing birth control? Now she’s pregnant again. Where is the Self-Control in this relationship, guy?
All of which brings up a vital question: why aren’t you and Erica legally married? Why don’t you...
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This is why I am in the Doc Love Club. Only you take a convoluted mess and untangle it so elegantly.
I absorbed The System 30+ times in 2 years, and practice it daily. I thought I knew it all.
Then comes an article like this, that blows me away. It gives a deep insight into the psyche of relationships, that is impossible to get just by reading The System alone.
Reading this article I feel the same way I did 12 years ago, when I was 17 and first read your articles on AskMen in College. The truth set me free back then.
Thank you Doc, for setting us all free.
Thank you very much for your support
As usual your answer is spot on, but I have one disagreement. Erica said she would be faithful to Dale while she is gone, but then said if she cheats on him she will tell him about it! What?! Based on what Dale wrote Erica appears to have little if any loyalty and zero integrity, the unborn daughter notwithstanding. I agree marriage is vital to this relationship but given Erica’s behavior and possibly convoluted state of mind would a marriage last? Dale has dug himself into a very deep and complicated hole, and innocent children most likely will suffer the consequences.
Thanks Wayne – as you correctly assess he has little choice now – he really shouldn’t have gotten in this mess in the first place.
Doc, there have been Loyalty and faithfulness issues with Erica in the past. She cheated on her exes, sometimes with me…….She’s been disloyal to the other guys in her life, but not you. <——- Doc, isn't this a red flag. She has no integrity, how is she going to be a life-time partner with this kind of behavior?!
I agree it is a complicated situation but she is pregnant with his child and at this point he has to go with how she has treated him – which is to be loyal. The time to think about your (valid) points would have been BEFORE he got into a relationship with her but now that he is in it he has little choice.
You cannot change this girl. He is going to pay for getting her pregnant. If he were to split up with her now, the court bills will be less than if he is legally binded in marriage with her with the on set of divorce. He might as well prepare for a custody battle, and not tie the knot. She will have the advantage of winning custody of their child since she is the mother, but again, if he were married to her and he makes more money than her, then in certain states (USA), she is entitled to spousal support if either one of them files for divorce. The daughter suffers the most either way. Guys, do not stay in la la land, get the “System” before you put yourself in a situation like this. Get your mind out of that “True Love” mind set and look at reality. Doc, you should get a child therapist and a divorce / custody lawyer on your radio show to explain the reality of those situations.
Thanks for weighing in Michael – I appreciate the support.