THE PITFALLS OF SEX
Once in a while someone emails me and asks why I don't discuss sex in my writings or on my dating women radio show.
After all, they argue, it is the 21st century.
They can't understand how you can have a discussion about relationships without talking about sex.
If you have THE SYSTEM, read my weekly articles or listen to the Dating Women Radio Show, you know we don't talk about the how to's of sex.
THE SYSTEM says sex early while you're dating can destroy your chances for a long-term relationship (so can moving in together).
They both kill CHALLENGE. IE, you become too familiar, too quickly.
I'm not making a moral judgment. I'm not a minister, priest or rabbi.
THE SYSTEM is about common sense and common sense says go slowly.
I've interviewed over 10,000 women and their #1 complaint about men is that they rush in too quickly.
Look, 2 mature adults in an exclusive, committed relationship will discuss and decide when they want to initiate a more intimate relationship.
That's nobody's business but theirs.By the way, there is no shortage of "How To" books, CD's, downloads, etc., on sex. Just make sure you communicate first with your partner.
What about casual sex? It's INSANE in today's day and age to ignore what casual sex can cost you. From unwanted pregnancies to very real health problems such as sexually transmitted diseases or the AIDS virus. Very serious stuff.
Be careful out there.
What do YOU think? Don't be bashful - let me know below!!
Doc- normally I agree with your advice. But you do seem to stand on the “Extreme Cautious” side of this one.
The majority of people seem to start having sex early on when they’re dating, and if they’re smart they use some kind of protection. They don’t wait months like you suggest. And their relationships do NOT fall apart constantly like you seem to think. That only happens if they’re a bad match for each other or someone doesn’t know what they’re doing and turns their partner off.
All my friends who are married started having sex within the first few weeks of dating, and all but one have great marriages. (That one exception married his wife out of desperation, not because he loves her.) So I don’t get where you’re coming from here.
Sex does NOT destroy challenge…if done correctly, it shows the man has a lot of confidence, and that’s what women ultimately want. Even if (or sometimes especially if) it happens early on. Waiting too long can even be interpreted as a LACK of sexual confidence.
As I said in the article “Look, 2 mature adults in an exclusive, committed relationship will discuss and decide when they want to initiate a more intimate relationship.” – that’s all you really have to know about the stance I take on it but it is my job to point out potential pitfalls. I’ve heard a variation of “I heard so and so has a great marriage…and they didn’t do this via THE SYSTEM” type of line for years.
You can really substitute any principle for that: “I heard so and so has a great marriage and he never waited 5-9 days to call.” “I heard so and so has a great marriage and he talked to his wife for hours and texted her every day” “I heard so and so had a great marriage and he gave her flowers on the first date.”
I believe you build a better foundation when you go SLOWLY on everything – waiting to call her, waiting to give her gifts, waiting to make her your girlfriend, and yes, waiting on getting intimate. Either you believe in the patient approach that THE SYSTEM advises or you don’t – as I said in the article it’s up to each couple to decide.
Remember The System is not a dogmatic set of rules – it’s a common-sense approach presented in a humorous manner to dating and relationships from the man’s point of view based on what I’ve learned from thousands of women but all of my students are adults so all I can do is tell you what I’ve learned and then it’s up to you to follow my coaching or not.
Thanks for writing as always.
Thanks for the timely, succinct message on sex, Doc!
I’ve followed you for a loooooong time back into a distant day and age known as the 90s, and I have been wondering for a long time now: you no longer seem to invoke the example of Cary Grant. For so long he was your go-to guy, or at least, the persona he displayed in so many of his movies, of the debonair, devil-may-care attitude. Any reasons for this change up, Doc? What happened to the example of Cary Grant as a champion of the system??? Sorry if this is an old, settled matter for you, I simply haven’t ever seen you discuss it..
Thanks in advance for the pearls of wisdom, and keep ’em coming!
I will talk about him from time to time on http://www.datingwomenradioshow.com and he’s still a prominent part of my book and always will be. However, you’re right in that he is not discussed a lot on the show only because it’s very caller-driven and I’m betting a lot of guys aren’t aware of Cary – or at least he’s not top of mind for them. At any rate, the way that character was written was timeless and will always have a place in The System. I thank you for writing and also for your loyalty all these years. Since the 90’s? Wow – great stuff.
I have The System and read it twice in 2014. My gut instinct told me you were right on everything from “interest level” to “Never get back with an ex.” Thank you so much for your guidance, it has changed my life for the better. I follow The System and it is working like a charm. Too bad it took me a whole two years and some MISERABLE experiences to finally get it. I preach to every man how The System works! Good luck in your future endeavors.
Thanks for your support and for writing and I’m very happy THE SYSTEM changed your life. Keep up the great work!
I’m glad you responded to the gentlemen on this question. I realize not everyone will “get it”, like the first commenter, but I’m thankful this information is out there for the few who can put their egos aside and listen. I’ve heard you say on a radio show once “You guy’s don’t know how deep this goes…”. I think that statement very accurately describes the book. Maybe most fellas believe they are not living up to their “role as a man” by refraining from that level of intimacy for months. They can’t or don’t want to understand the bonding process in relationships. I’m guessing the majority of men would like to omit that slice of wisdom regarding sex from your coaching – and that would be their downfall.
Thanks for writing and you make very good points in your response – I appreciate the support.
If my girlfriend asks for it before us getting married and I don’t want to because I want to be a challenge of course, how should I respond to that?
Just tell her it’s better to wait
Some women they pressure you to give it to them. ? 6 months they go bananas. They get angry and pissed and lose patience. A lot of women nowdays value Sex as so important they would leave you if they don’t get it.
Does this mean they are uptight and structured and only care to satisfy themselves. I mean don’t they need to be pleasured in some way ?
As I said in the article – the longer you wait – the better – BUT it is up to each couple to decide what is right for them.
The more sex, the less sweet she become.
Doc, thank you very much for your great advice.
Thanks so much – have a great day!
Doc, is a man anti-challenge if he makes love with his wife everyday? What is your view on this?
This is a pretty complex question and best left to one on one coaching here: https://www.doclove.com/PHONE_COACHING/
Thanks for writing.
I agree totally, But what horny Guys will listen to you Doc. Not the young ones, Or will they?
Describe the type of person who won’t listen and the type that will listen. Also go into more details about what can go wrong or write.
Rarely , quick sex can lead to a very happy marriage, or murder. I know examples of both.
Thanks for writing – the smart ones will listen to me
First you want the man to start off paying for everything which is ridiculous in the age of feminism, and then you think we should spend money on dates and not get sex in return? Completely disagree with you. The only reason to go on a date is for sex, not to listen to her big mouth blabbing on and on. Any man who marries a woman in the USA, with the divorce laws being what they are is a MADMAN. Your 1950s views are out of date.
Allen THE SYSTEM is about long-term relationships that lead to marriage – and by the way, many successful marriages based on the “YOU CHANGED MY LIFE” letters I get – you obviously disagree with it all so why do you keep following me? It’s like you walk into a restaurant every week that bills itself as the PANCAKE CAPITAL OF AMERICA and state to the manager that you absolutely despise breakfast foods and can’t figure out why they wouldn’t take pancakes off the menu. Makes no sense to me.