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He loves her - she loves him - but she's broken and cannot be fixed. Find out why he needs to move on ASAP!
Hey Doc,I purchased “The System” a year ago, and it has helped me to refine my approach to women and to life. However, I still have to read your book a great number of times more.
Currently, I am in an eight-month relationship with a great woman, Liane. She’s kind, smart, and Beautiful. She is also a Giver. She helps me with the cleaning and cooking despite the fact that we aren’t living together.
However, we’ve had a lot of conflict over her feelings of inadequacy, and her feeling like she’s second best to me. A large portion of these insecurities may stem from her emotionally abusive father, with whom she does not have contact anymore, as well as her negative feelings about her mixed ethnicity.I am much more reserved than Liane, and my attitude at times may suggest that I don’t care too much.
However, I tell her that I am committed to a relationship with her, and we spend a lot of time discussing these issues in a calm and rational, though sometimes frustrating, way. I would even admit some of my own insecurities to her so that she felt like she wasn’t the only one dealing with them. Even though things got better after a shaky start, Liane continues to feel that she is much more interested in the relationship than I am.
The truth is that I love her, and show her affection every day. Heck, I want to marry her!
Although it may seem as if I am being a Challenge, I go along with Liane’s suggestions most of the time. For example, she immediately wanted to start seeing me and be romantically intimate four or more times per week at the start of our romance.
She would almost always initiate meeting up, and she would act hurt if I was busy that day. I would find myself occasionally changing my schedule for her just so we could hang out. Liane was the first to say she loved me, and would ask for romance nine out of 10 times.
Again, I love her, and always requited the affection once we started.
I wasn’t neglecting her!Now our relationship is on the rocks, and we’ve been talking about breaking up and her need for space. She is also frustrated that I’ve had more romantic experience than her. Liane says that I hold too much power in the relationship, and she believes that I don’t really want her. This sounds a lot like Womanese to me, but I still would like to hear your opinion.
By the way, Liane still seems like she is open to rebuilding our relationship, but we both know that this won’t be easy. Is the problem here my lack of Challenge and constant contact (up to six nights a week) with her or is it something else?
Howard - who doesn’t want to throw eight months away
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Hi Howard,First of all, you have to eat, sleep and dream “The System.”
You have to get the entire book between your ears so that every reaction you have is natural and correct. That will come with time, but you have to study the book over and over again.
Let me tell you something, pal. Liane shouldn’t be servicing your house. You should have an outside cleaning person.
Your girlfriend should not be cleaning up after you. It’s okay if she cooks you a meal here and there, but she’s not there to mop floors. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She ain’t your maid.”You can’t change Liane’s feelings of inadequacy. And the problem is that her insecurities are going to haunt you for the rest of your life if you stay in this relationship. She had a horrible father and no stability when she was growing up and you are going to have to live with those things for the rest of your life if you stay with her.
To you Psych majors, when you marry a woman, her problems are YOUR problems. The best woman to marry is one who loves her mother and father, and Liane got no stability from her father. So this thing is going to be a mess.When you talk to Liane about all of her issues, it’s like talking to the wall, because you’re using logic and she’s using emotion. You shouldn’t be talking about your insecurities with her. You’re not supposed to be playing catch-up with her problems. If she had any brains, she wouldn’t talk about hers either. But in her case, the issues are too deep rooted and she can’t help herself.
Liane’s quibble over your lack of interest in her makes no sense. She has nothing to worry about since your Interest Level is 85% to her 95%. But even if yours were 100%, she would still be complaining about the same things.Howard, the fact is that Liane doesn’t see that you are interested in her enough to marry her. She doesn’t see this great guy that she’s had for the past eight months because she has deep hang-ups that are going to affect you for the rest of your life if you marry her.
You shouldn’t have gone along with Liane’s demands for your time at the start of your relationship. If you hadn’t, she would have dropped you and you wouldn’t have wasted the past eight months. When she was acting hurt, you should have told her that you don’t tolerate girls who act hurt when you turn them down. She was telling you right then and there that she can’t handle any type of relationship with a male on account of her father. No matter how much you did for her, she didn’t see it.
So you don’t get it, buddy.
You will NEVER be enough for this woman. What you’re hearing from her is not Womanese. What you’re hearing is where Liane is really coming from. She’s damaged goods and is not fit to be your wife or a mother.
Dude, you can’t fix this relationship because you can’t change how this woman is wired. She is not built for any type of romantic relationship and you’ve wasted eight months of your life on her. The irony is that you have my book, and it says that when a person is broken, you have to forget her. You’ve talked to Liane over and over and nothing changes. You treat her like a queen, you’re always there for her, you’re not seeing anyone else but her, but it doesn’t mean anything to her. No matter what you do it will never be enough for her. And now she’s getting rid of you when you’re the best thing in her life since popcorn!
This mess has nothing to do with Challenge. It’s the way Liane is built -- and she’s emotionally damaged.
Remember, guys: when you go out with a girl who is broken, don’t waste your time trying to fix her.
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