When Sleazy Exes And Current Girlfriends Collide…
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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
I’m 28, live in Australia and I’m a big fan of “The System,” which I have been learning over the past few years. I want to congratulate you on your coaching, which has helped me a lot.
I met my current girlfriend, Sasha, at the gym. She’s 31 and very attractive. I got her number and we went on a date that went very smoothly. At the end we shared a passionate kiss. I was always confident, cocky, and funny around Sasha, and this along with her physical attraction to me was an unreal combination that made her fall for me very quickly. I was also a Challenge in that I was never needy.
Sasha wanted to hang out with me all the time and after five weeks or so we were very romantic with each other, if you catch my drift. Occasionally I knocked back her date proposals, as I like my space and didn’t want to seem too easy for her. I realized that this put Sasha off balance, and she responded with frustration, which meant that she was emotionally attached to me. Although I liked Sasha, I never told her how I felt nor showed her too much affection and this also put me in a position of power, as she would always tell me that she never knew where she stood with me.
After six months, Sasha told me she loved me after an argument during which she demanded to know how I felt about her and where the relationship was heading. I told her sternly that I didn’t tolerate people’s demands and if the time I spent with her wasn’t enough, then I would walk out. As I left her apartment, she repeated that she loved me and had never met anyone like me. I told her to keep on loving me and I kept on walking. But we are still together, things are good, and Sasha’s Interest Level is very high judging by the fact that she still always wants to see me.
Well, just the other week, I heard something about Sasha that really disappointed me. Through a friend I discovered that she had a romantic relationship with a sleazy ex-friend of mine. This happened four or five years ago. When I brought this up to Sasha, she admitted knowing him, but nothing else.
This has turned me off Sasha completely. I can’t look at her the same way anymore. She doesn’t know that I know about what happened, but I feel deceived and let down because she hid the truth from me regarding her past with this former friend. I know it’s in the past, and Sasha has some great qualities and is good and loyal to me, but I can’t swallow my pride to continue the relationship with her because of this other dude. She has noticed that I am colder towards her now and she keeps asking why. I need some coaching as my pride might be getting in the way of a good relationship. Please help me to make the right decision and determine whether these feelings are normal or I should give Sasha the boot.
Thurston - who feels like he’s been kicked in the gut
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At first you were doing great, pal. Sasha wanted to hang out with you all the time. I hope you fully realized what as going on here, and that is that you had incoming attention. This lady was chasing you because you were a Challenge and not needy. Most guys think they have to be the aggressor in a relationship. They can’t even fathom the idea that you can actually throw the accepted psychology of dating into reverse – in other words, have the woman chasing the man instead of vice versa -- and come out a winner. Most guys don’t understand that you can actually be in control of a relationship at all times even though the woman thinks she is because she’s doing all the work and chasing.
And it’s likewise incredible that you turned down dates because you didn’t want to seem too easy for Sasha. You can’t begin to realize how many men couldn’t do this and what’s worse, it doesn’t even enter their minds as a possibility. Ninety percent of the guys out there want to be all over the woman as opposed to having the woman come after them. And you bring out an excellent point regarding Sasha getting frustrated because she was emotionally attached to you. You’ve learned a lot, my friend.
But you still need to learn more. You shouldn’t be talking sternly to Sasha. You’re not here to take a tough-guy stand – that’s something Macho Boy would do. Instead of taking a hard line, all you had to say was, “Honey, how have I been treating you? Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know?” I will say this, though. When you walked out of Sasha’s apartment, that was great. Very, very few guys could have done that. I can’t compliment you enough on this move.
Now let me make sure I have this right. You’re going by what some guy says about your girl, as opposed to judging her by the six months that she’s been perfect with you? Does that make any sense? Because you liked your ex-friend way back when until you figured out he was a sleaze-bucket and then you got rid of him. And that’s what she did, too, right? You want Sasha to go by your actions but you won’t go by her actions. Instead, you’ll believe some guy who’s probably after her. How do you know what the guy said was true? You might be 99% sure he was right about your girl, but you can’t be 100% sure.
This relationship between Sasha and your ex-friend allegedly happened five or six years ago. If it happened when you and Sasha were going out in the last five or six months, I could understand you getting upset. What is Sasha supposed to do, apologize to you for every single guy she went out with before you? She’s 31 years old -- she’s been dating since she was 14!
And you’re ticked off that Sasha admits that she knows the guy, but nothing more. Well what do you want, the gory details? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Women never give the gory details.”
So now you’re completely turned off. My friend, you have too much pride. You don’t know what happened between Sasha and this guy. You weren’t there with a camera, were you? But you claim you can no longer look at her in the same way. What do you want, a 31-year-old virgin?
Sasha didn’t hide the truth from you. If you wanted every detail about her life, when you first started going out with her you should have said “Hey, I want to know about every single guy you went out with since you were 14.” That’s your logic here. In other words, it’s no logic.
But you swear that you can’t go on with Sasha. Thurston, this guy was pre-you.
You don’t have a good relationship, buddy, you have a great relationship but you’re not seeing it. Coming down on Sasha because she didn’t tell you everything she ever did before meeting you is stupid.
Sure, your feelings are normal -- for macho, uptight men.
Remember, guys: leave the past out of your relationship.
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