Is She Pulling Away? Here’s What You’re Missing

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Smitty, if you want to have a relationship that goes the distance, you’ve got to get with a woman...

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Hi there Doc,

My girlfriend and me have been together for eight months now and have had a great relationship, but I feel as though she is becoming less interested in me. For example, I find her spending more and more time with her friends. I don't mind if she hangs out with her friends, but it’s since she started hanging out with them more than me that I’ve become concerned. She’s also spending lots of time with a "friend" of hers named Tom. It seems as though every time I call her on her cell phone, she’s at Tom’s apartment.

Another thing is that I feel that she hardly ever gives in return. I’ve given her all sorts of cool things, but she hasn’t given me a thing.

I’m 32, and as I look back on my past girlfriends, it seems to me that it always starts out great and then someone mistreats and then dumps the other. I don’t want to dump her, Doc, but I think that I probably have to. Do relationships ever last?

Smitty – who wants to know why does it always have to end

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Hi Smitty,

I hate to say it dude, but it sounds as if you have already become the dumpee and you’re just not seeing it yet. What does this girl have to do to you - for you to get the drift - marry Tom? On the other hand, you do seem to understand that your relationship is going nowhere fast - except downhill. Let me explain.

Yes, Smitty, your girlfriend has already dumped you, but she just doesn’t have the decency to tell you to your face. She’s simply doing more and more things that she’s hoping you will soon no longer be able to tolerate. Then you’ll be forced to break up with her, thinking that it was your decision, while you’re actually being manipulated into doing her dirty work for her. Using this passive method, she doesn’t have to look like the bad guy.

Also, remember that if your girlfriend started out having high Interest Level in you, then you had to have done things to lower her Interest Level. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be amenable to the charms of this rip-off artist named Tom. You see, The Reality Factor says: When women have 90% Interest Level or higher, they’re super-loyal.

My other concern is that this girl is a taker and not a giver, so she isn’t good relationship material anyway. You should ask yourself Smitty, why did you continue giving so much to her if she wasn’t giving back. She obviously wasn’t showing you any appreciation, either. All you guys need to learn to stop giving when you’re efforts aren’t being appreciated.

Do all relationships have to end?

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Some couples actually do stay together” forever” because they both had high romantic Interest Level in each other to begin with. And they’ve been able to keep the Interest Level mutually high over the years. Couples like these comprise a very small percentage of the total, but they are out there.

The other category of couples who don’t break up: Those who stay together indefinitely, not because they are happy with each other, but because they “have to” for one reason or another i.e.: they don’t want to damage their kids emotionally, or the breakup would be financially devastating in some way etc. etc.

In the worst version of this type of relationship, the couple is miserable and practically hate each other. At best they just live like roommates with no passion or affection for each other.

Remember that about one out of four guys, who are married, are with women who never really loved them to begin with. Another large percentage of married men is with women who once had high Interest Level in them, but who are now just toughing it out.

(Just ask yourself: How many - seven year married or longer - men out of a hundred have a loving, romantic relationship with their wives? Get a few beers into your buddy and ask him what he hates about being married.)

So, that leaves a large majority of couples who are inevitably going to break up, sooner or later. It may only take six or seven dates before one person or the other looses interest. Or, the breakup can come after one partner finally gets the guts to end an unhappy marriage of several years. In any case, the person who does the dumping is the one with the lower Interest Level. And the one who gets hurt is the partner with the higher level of interest. (When the airplane of love is going down, there’s only one parachute - and it’s not for the dumpee!)

Smitty, I would never tell any guy to get rid of a woman. My job is to coach you so you don’t get in a predicament like this to begin with. But if your girlfriend is spending more time with Tom than with you, then there’s trouble in paradise.

But don’t take the initiative to officially break up with her. If you do that, then she’ll get the satisfaction of knowing that she was able to manipulate you. Instead, beat her at her own game. Just stop calling her, let her only talk to your voicemail, and move on.

Smitty, if you want to have a relationship that goes the distance, you’ve got to get with a woman who digs you as much as you dig her. Then check to make sure that she is a flexible giver with high integrity. Also make sure to always maintain a sense of romance, mystery and Challenge. In that way, you’ll be sure to keep her Interest Level high as the months and years go by. And when her Interest Level is high, she’ll continue to do things to make sure that your Interest Level in her stays high, also.

Remember guys: The easy part is getting a relationship. The hard part is keeping it.