What If Your New Lady Can’t Compare To Your Ex?

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I’m writing you for some sage advice on a serious situation in my life. I have asked many of my close friends for help with this, and they all give me conflicting answers, so I thought maybe some outside advice on this issue might help.

I’ve been divorced two and half years now from Emily (we were married for seven years, no kids), and am living with a new woman, Jill, who is just great. She’s totally into me and completely different in temperament and personality from Emily.

I, on the other hand, am still deeply in love with my ex. She was the one who wanted the divorce, and hasn’t spoken with me until just this past Christmas. At that time we finally got to talk about all our past issues. There was a moment in our conversation when she began to act like the woman I fell in love with years ago, and when she confronted me with the statement that “I hated her,” I broke down and confessed that I still loved her and always would.

Well, Doc, she was completely taken off guard and blurted out that she still had deep feelings for me, but was unsure of exactly how she felt and what, if anything, to do about it. She is currently seeing someone else too, and her concern seems to be focused on the fact that I’m living with another woman presently. She says that she doesn’t believe me when I say I still love her. I think this is because she systematically tried very hard to push me away when we were getting divorced.

Doc, I still love Emily and want her back desperately. I don’t want to hurt Jill, but my heart cries out for my ex. What the heck is a guy supposed to do in this situation? Is it possible to ever go back and start all over again?

Tiger - who has watched two worlds collide

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Hi Tiger,

Your first problem is asking all of your “close friends” for advice. When it comes to love, I’M your close friend. I’m your ONLY close friend. And your old friends are your enemies. Why? Because they don’t know “The System.” So to start off, you’ve got everything back-asswards. These so-called friends of yours -- while I’m sure they have wonderful intentions -- give you confusing, conflicting answers because they’re all stupid when it comes to love. And that’s your problem, pal. I’m not the one who should be the source of “outside advice” when it comes to women -- your friends should be on the outside. Because they’re outside of reality.

So, these two flames of yours are as different as night and day. Meaning what? The only difference that’s obvious is that the woman you’re living in sin with, Jill, has 95% Interest Level in you, and the other one doesn’t. But that’s a BIG difference.

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By the way, if you’re so deeply in love with your ex, what the heck are you doing misleading poor Jill? Why are you moving in with another person when you don’t care about her? Are you using her like a nurse in a convalescent home until you get well and then you’re going to hand her walking papers and break her heart? My rules say that we don’t use women. If we’re done learning from them or we don’t dig them, we don’t waste their time. Next!

Let’s move on to your main problem -- Emily, your lovely ex-wife. She was the one who wanted the divorce? Tiger, women are the ones who ALWAYS want the divorce! What planet have you been living on? Come on, guy, that’s about as basic as it gets!

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 She finally spoke to you last Christmas after two and a half years? What was she after, a present or something? When you two finally hashed out all your past issues, did she tell you about how you fatally lowered her Interest Level because you were all over her all the time and pressured her and treated her like your mommy?

No, she didn’t. She acted, at least for a few minutes, like the girl you fell in love with. Man, you have got to quit smoking the marijuana, please. Now think about this. You’re telling me you have 100% Interest Level in Emily -- and I believe you, Tiger, I believe you -- and she’s telling you that you hated her? Huh? Like my cousin Jethro Love would say, “That there’s the most convoluted declaration of love I ever heard!”

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By the way, when you broke down and confessed to the divine Emily that you would always love her, did you grovel and beg, too? Did you get down and kiss her feet? Are you sure your name’s really Tiger? Because you’re acting more like a nice, tame little pussycat.

It’s fascinating that Emily used the word “unsure” when she was talking about her feelings for you. I’ve got news for you, my friend. She was lying like a Persian rug. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “No woman since Eve has ever been unsure.” The reality is that Emily hates you, Tiger, and not vice-versa.

Your ex is seeing someone else, too? That means she’s seeing two people -- you and this other stud-muffin. She entertained you for a half-hour at Christmastime and you went off into la-la land, dreaming about the good old days. All the while she’s in the arms of a new man, making out, grabbing him and everything else a woman does when she has high Interest Level in a guy. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love likes to say, “They would have done a lot more, but they didn’t have the time!”

And guess what? She’s not fantasizing about you, like most of you pitiful guys fantasize about your exes. But she says her main “concern” is that you’re living with another woman. Well, Tiger, she has to give you something. Women never tell the truth – which in this case is, “Guess what – I have low Interest Level in you!” Ever hear of WOMANESE? Check out my book. The entire dictionary of Womanese – the science of what they say versus what they mean – is included in the last chapter.

Here’s another thing, my friend. Emily DOES believe you when you say you still love her. She’s lying to you when she says she doesn’t. The problem is that she wants no part of you and your declarations of undying devotion (except for the momentary ego rush it gives her). The harder you push, the harder she rejects. And, oh -- you mean a woman pushes you away when you get divorced? Gee, I didn’t know that!

But after all this brutal spurning you’ve endured you still swear that you’re totally, desperately gone over your ex. Know what guy? “Desperately” is the worst word in the world. NOTHING IS WORSE IN A WOMAN’S EYES THAN A DESPERATE MAN. Why not try acting like a creature with a backbone for a change instead of being one more pathetic Wimpus Americanus?

So at the end of the day you’ve got one problem in your obsession with Emily, plus you’ve got your roommate – you’ve got to get rid of her, and that’s another problem. But you know what, buddy? I think you’re living with a good one – Jill -- right now. And you don’t even see it. Maybe you should open your eyes to what’s right in front of you in the present instead of living in the past. The past is over, in case you haven’t noticed. Like the great love doctor Sigmund Freud once wrote, “Why would you want to torture yourself over what’s finished and done? You got a problem or something?”

Remember, guys: never try and keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.