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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
I bought “The System” and I’m within 100 pages of finishing it. However, I have a situation with a woman that needs immediate attention so I can’t afford to wait to finish the book.
Last Saturday night in a bar I ran into a friend of a friend who I’d always had a keen eye for. Her name is Tammie. After a few drinks and talking, we hit the dance floor and had a really fun time. At the end of the night she came to my place and stayed overnight. The next day we spent almost the entire day kissing and hugging. By the way, there was no intimacy because Tammie said she’s not that type of girl. I think this is good because it shows she has some Integrity and dignity.
Tammie asked if I had plans for the day, I said no and she said she had no plans either. We took a swim in the pool, walked my dogs and held hands. I saw a lot of buying signals (she asked all about me, my family, etc.). I didn’t see one red flag. She even offered to drive me 20 minutes away to pick up my car where I’d left it the previous night. After that day, I was fairly positive that Tammie had high interest in me.
So here’s the twist. Tammie hasn’t texted or called me since. Normally I find that interested girls contact me the same night to thank me. My male friend who’s been dating Tammie’s friend has been trying to line up a night where the four of us can get together at my place and watch a movie, but so far Tammie hasn’t been able to do it.
This has really confused me. I don’t know if Tammie is playing a game, or if she’s no longer interested in me or something else is wrong. I haven’t called her and asked her to come over myself, or even called her to see how she is, because I’m unsure of when to call in this situation. But it’s only been a few days since the day we spent together, and I feel that waiting eight days as per your book to call would be too long. Anyway, here are my questions:
1. When should I call Tammie? Should I just say hi, see how her day was, and then hang up, or ask for a date?
2. Is Tammie’s refusal to come over for a movie with our friends a red flag, a game, or something else?
3. Most importantly, what should I do from here?
Eagerly awaiting your coaching.
Maurin - who wishes he had more time
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Letting Tammie stay over at your place was a big mistake. After you danced with her for about an hour, you should have put an end to it. When things are going great and the girl is on a high, get out of there!
When Tammie says she’s not “that type of girl,” what type of girl exactly is she talking about? Hey, she stayed all night at your place, didn’t she? What kind of girl does that two hours after she meets you? Sure, not being intimate with you might indicate that she has Integrity and dignity – but it also might mean that she just has low Interest Level in you.
Instead of doing all that stuff with Tammie the whole next day, you should have been too busy to hang out with her. You’re giving away the store too quickly here. Whatever Challenge and mystery there is to you was gone within 24 hours, Maurin. And you shouldn’t be holding hands, either. Remember what it says in my book: no public displays of affection.
You should have had a buddy instead of Tammie take you to pick up your car. Like the old Chinese saying goes, The idea is to stay away from this girl so familiarity doesn’t breed immediate contempt. Of course Tammie had high Interest Level in you – but only for a very, very short time. Genuinely high Interest Level that lasts takes a longer time to develop.
Tammie’s not supposed to call or text you, dude. You’re the male here, in case you haven’t noticed. You’re supposed to be the aggressor. Most women drive their boyfriends nuts with all that text-messaging and telephoning, so consider yourself very lucky.
Now let me get this straight. You’re having another guy try to set up a date with your girlfriend? Why are you bringing other people into your relationship with this girl? As I’ve said many times before, NO GROUP DATES FOR THE FIRST TWO AND A HALF TO THREE MONTHS.
You don’t know what Tammie’s thinking or doing right now because you’re not in charge of this situation. Instead of your buddy asking her out on a group date, you’re the one who should be asking Tammie out. To you Psych majors; you’re not in control when another person is doing the asking for you. To boot, you weren’t there to know how Tammie turned your friend down or even if she did. The fact is that your friend is doing your dirty work for you, and you’re out of control.
You shouldn’t ask Tammie to come over to your place. Instead, call her and ask her for a proper date. Go and pick her up at her house and take her to a nice restaurant. Then you’ll begin to grasp what’s really what with her.
You’re unsure of when to phone Tammie? It’s right there in my book, my friend. You just didn’t get far enough. And the answer is perfectly clear: FIVE TO NINE DAYS. It doesn’t say to wait eight days to call. Whatever you do, DON’T CHANGE THIS RULE – over 30 years of interviewing THOUSANDS of women have taught me that this rule is a MUST if you want true HIGH INTEREST LEVEL from MS. RIGHT.
Don’t call Tammie up to find out how she’s doing. You’re not conducting a survey here. You call a girl up to ask her for a date. That’s the only reason you ever use the phone.
You don’t know what Tammie’s refusal to show up to watch a movie means because you weren’t the one doing the asking. If you were doing the asking, you could tell me now what she actually said and the meaning of her words could be figured out. But because you have a friend doing your dirty work for you and you don’t know what he said to her, you can’t know what’s really going on. Simple as that.
What should you do from here? FINISH THE LAST HUNDRED PAGES OF MY BOOK AND THEN RE-READ IT 14 TIMES!
Remember, guys: don’t have your friends ask your girl out.
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