What If You Think She’s Out Of Your League???

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12/31/2022:  Don't Date Casually If You Want A Relationship 

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I’ve been seeing Rosalita for a month or so. She’s right up there in the 9.5 to 10 range. She also happens to be a part-time model and active in lots of society stuff. My honest opinion is that she’s way out of my league.

Anyway, ever since I met her (through a friend) we’ve been talking to each other pretty much non-stop. We see each other four to five times a week; though we haven’t been on a real one-to-one date, only group dates and sports activities. She always invites me to go to this or that event, and I always reply with a yes. The truth is that I actually haven’t asked her out on a real date.

A few days ago we stopped talking, so I sent her a text message, but she didn’t reply, so I just assumed that she was busy. Two days have passed and I haven’t heard a word from her. A short time ago I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up the phone. I know she was just at home because one of my friends lives in the same neighborhood and saw her at her house.

At this point should I just wait for Rosalita to call me? Or should I just raise the white flag and give up? I’m kind of confused because we really hit it off, always joking and teasing each other all the time. She’s also very touchy-feely with me. What should I do now?

Beau - who doesn’t know how to separate her from the herd

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Hi Beau,

If Rosalita is a ringer for Selma Hayek, right out of the gate you’re in deep trouble. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This girl’s a killer. She always gets her way with men and she never gets a ticket from a cop!”

But if you think she’s out of your league, you’re selling yourself short. To you Psych majors, all you have to do is make sure that the woman’s Interest Level is higher than yours and you’re right in the game with anybody else. Forget about how high up the social ladder Rosalita is.

You and Rosalita have been talking to each other non-stop? Whoa – where’s the fire, man? There’s the first huge mistake you made. Like my cousin Doctor Love says, “The guys who come in fast are the guys who go out fast.”

And seeing each other five times a week is way too much. You’re absolutely slaughtering Challenge here, Beau, which proves to me that you haven’t even looked at my material. You should be seeing Rosalita once a week and you should not be doing any group dates until you’ve had at least 10 dates in and she’s begging to be your girlfriend. The activities you’re doing with Rosalita aren’t bad in themselves, but you’re doing them all way too fast.

You always reply to this babe with a yes whenever she asks you to show up somewhere? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You don’t know how to get the ‘NO’ word out of your mouth, and that’s your problem!” Dude, you have to learn to say NO at least once in a while. Beau, the point here is that if you don’t ever tell her NO, she doesn’t think you have a backbone.

Another blunder you made was not asking Rosalita out on a date. You should have asked her out, and then when she asked you out on one of those group dates, you should have told her you were busy. When you invited her out ALONE and refused to participate in the group stuff, she would have been more apt to take the date – especially if she was really interested in you. What you would have been telling her indirectly was that this was the way it was going to be. It would have been a great maneuver to raise Interest Level, but you insisted on giving away the store by going to every single thing she asked you to.

Now let me set you straight on something. You didn’t stop talking to this knockout a few days ago -- SHE stopped talking to you. Most of you guys assume a woman is “busy” when she pulls the old dodge on you. It never crosses your mind that she just has low Interest Level – which is always the case.

Calling Rosalita on top of sending her a text message was another boo-boo. And by the way, you shouldn’t be text-messaging women anyway.

So your buddy saw Rosalita at her house. And what exactly does that mean? It means you burned yourself out. You came on to this babe like a cyclone and now she’s moved on to somebody else. You have to face reality, pal -- If she’s a 9.5, she can go out with anybody she wants.

So yes, wait for Rosalita to call you. But don’t hold your breath. And don’t worry about running up the white flag – because you’re already out. Like my cousin General Love says, “There’s no point in surrendering because the battle is already over and you lost.”

Everybody hits it off in the beginning, Beau, but in your case after the first get-together it was all downhill. Joking and teasing and the fact that Rosalita was being touchy-feely are great and all, but the problem is that rather than capitalize on the good stuff, you didn’t cultivate your sense of mystery and Challenge. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Men have to learn to spoon-feed themselves.” I’ve told you that a thousand times already.

What should you do now? Disappear. Though odds are that you’re already out with this girl.

Remember, guys: the key to women is going in S-L-O-W-L-Y.