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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
Before I ask my question, I want to thank you for all the great advice and time you put into helping out all of us guys.
My dilemma is more painful than I’d like to admit, and I really need some good advice on this. I’ve been with a beautiful young woman named Stephanie for nearly four years now. I’m a civil engineer in my late twenties and she’s almost through college on a full scholarship. Our relationship has been quite possibly as good as it can get. In these four years we have never gotten into a fight or even a loud quarrel. We have been talking about marriage and our financial future is secure.
Now here’s the part that just baffles me. Up until a month ago our relationship was absolutely great, we told each other everything, and we were still crazy for each other in every way. (My friends couldn’t understand how we were all over each other after four years like we’d just met.) Well, for the past few weeks Stephanie has suddenly been in a hurry on the phone and sort of ignoring me at times. The reason for this – and I found out from her – is that a guy has been trying to get her to date him. This guy is only 18 and works at a fast food restaurant! The guy and I know each other, by the way.
Needless to say, I’m furious, but did not show my anger towards Stephanie. After all, I’m angry with the other guy, not her. Just yesterday I found out that this guy, who is apparently very persistent, invited himself and a friend to go with Stephanie and her friends to the mall and the movies. After the movie he pulled her towards him and kissed her. She said it threw her for a loop – as in surprised, not as in fireworks.
But now she isn’t sure if we should separate and try dating other people! Needless to say, I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. Actually, I’ve not felt this kind of pain since my own father died when I was 11, and that is a lot of pain.
Please give me some advice if you can, Doc. I feel completely torn apart and devastated, which is funny since I’m a big guy who played football and you’d never know how I feel by looking at me. I can’t seem to clear all the confusion in my mind. My perfect relationship with this Beautiful Woman has been changed overnight.
Please let me know what you think about all this. Thanks in advance.
Swiftie - who doesn’t know if he can deal with it
Have you checked out Doc's latest FREE video: HOW TO RESPOND TO AN EX WHEN SHE WANTS YOU BACK
I’m not only helping guys, pal. I’m also helping out lots of other people – like all the ladies of the world. Why? Because I’m trying to make Cary Grants out of the men in the world.
Now wait a minute here. You’ve been going out with Stephanie for four years and you never had a disagreement? Because there has to be a reason – and not a good reason – you two never had it out even once. Is it because you’ve always given in, like a nice Wimpus Americanus? Is it because you’ve been doing the perfect imitation of a doormat? Did you just go along with whatever Stephanie wanted from day one? Or did she give in to you all along but deep down inside resented it – and, eventually, you?
Your financial future might be as sewn up as Bill Gates’, Swiftie, but I wouldn’t count on anything else if you marry this girl. Not having even one air-clearing argument in four years is a BIG RED FLAG.
You say you told your girl everything. And now you’re sitting there telling me my advice is great, but you know that one-third of my program says that you guys have to keep your mouths shut and be a Challenge. So what’s the deal -- have you followed my rules, or only Stephanie’s wishes?
Here’s another, more devious problem you have and don’t even know it: when Interest Level starts heading south, WOMEN FAKE IT. When Stephanie’s Interest Level was tumbling from a lofty 95% to 85%, she only pretended it was 85%, but it was really 75%. And when she got tired of faking it, all of a sudden it appeared to drop from 75% to 45%. But that was an illusion too, because it really didn’t drop that fast. It was falling slowly and steadily, like a mountain stream, and in your case it could have been falling as far back as a year, even a year and a half ago.
I just wish Stephanie would have been all over you more, and you’d been all over her a little less during those four years, and you wouldn’t be in this predicament now. Nevertheless, you definitely lowered her Interest Level, Swiftie. You did something wrong, big-time. And that’s your problem in a nutshell.
But let’s move on to your immediate impasse anyway. Now just look at your logic here. Some guy wants to take Stephanie out on a date. You said she was beautiful, so what’s the surprise? She can have three dates a night if she wants to. When other guys are after Stephanie, your insurance is her 95% Interest Level in you. So, like I said, you had to have lowered her Interest Level. That’s why it’s impossible to steal a girl. Actually “stealing” a girl would be swiping someone who has 95% Interest Level in a guy – but that doesn’t happen. It can’t happen. Her Interest Level has to be south of the border for her to be so vulnerable to being kidnapped in the first place.
Here’s something else to consider. This new guy may only work at a fast-food restaurant, but maybe he has a personality and you don’t. Maybe you’re a boring engineer and you don’t even know it. So don’t be angry with this kid. He’s done nothing wrong. And, as I said, apparently Stephanie is receptive to him. You’re the kind of guy who discovers his wife with her lover and then gets in a fight with the guy! It’s stupid, dude! She chose him! I coach guys to walk away from them both and move on to a NEW adventure with a woman that actually has HIGH INTEREST LEVEL and INTEGRITY.
Regarding the whole mall/movie episode, you have to come to grips with this fact, Swiftie: Stephanie had to tell Mister Burger King what she and her friends were planning that night. And what the heck is she doing rapping to this guy, especially when she knows he’s coming on to her? Why is she so amenable to his charms when she doesn’t have time to talk to you on the phone? Know why? To you Psych majors, because her Interest Level is circling in the sink, that’s why!
Swiftie, I’ll tell you one thing – I couldn’t teach your 18-year-old rival very much. He might only flip cheeseburgers for a living, and he might still be living at home with his mommy and daddy, but he gets an A+ in Women 101! This guy has you breaking up with Stephanie after a single kiss? Wow -- he is a firecracker!
What you have to get through your head, buddy, is this: your heart started to rip apart a year and a half ago. Interest Level doesn’t take a swan dive overnight. It disappears in slow, steady increments. You might have owned this girl for a long, long time, but you dated her when she was between 18 and 22. I don’t trust any girl between 18 and 22 with my Interest Level because women that age (and men too) are generally not ready to settle down. Find yourself somebody 25 or 26 years young. And you are going to have to find somebody else for yourself now, I’m sorry to say.
And I’m also truly sorry you’re going through such pain, guy. There’s no worse torture in life than being rejected by a woman you worship. But as I pointed out before, a lot of guys love my advice, brag about how smart I am, and then don’t follow my advice. I can give you a helpful hint, and then a certain sticky situation will arise and you won’t follow it. So, guys memorize the Dating Dictionary or forget women.
Swiftie, your perfect relationship wasn’t wrecked overnight. But on the other side of the coin you have to remember that time is mankind’s greatest healer.
Remember, guys: romantic love takes constant vigilance.
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