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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
I’ve been a follower of your work for over three years. I’ve memorized “The System” and keep up with your weekly articles, and I even watch old Cary Grant movies. I can’t tell you what a huge difference your words have made for me both with women and in everyday life. This stuff is golden, Doc.
I recently graduated from college and took a job in another city. I was asked by a female friend to live with her and another female friend, Rhia, who I only met a couple times before. Since I didn’t know anyone in the city, I agreed. Rhia and I hit it off right away, and my use of your principles has kept her Interest Level rising for the past few months.
I reveal information about myself to Rhia in small doses. I try and steer the conversation to her mostly and to ask the right questions. She recently said, “I feel like you know a lot about me and I know nothing about you.” She regularly tries to ask me personal questions, but I stick to “The System” and reply with witty comments, playful jokes, or my best Cary Grant impression.
I realize that lots of couples live together, but usually after one or more years of dating. Your techniques say to take your time, but there was no way to see this coming when I agreed to live with these girls. I work full time and Rhia is a student, so we’re not together during weekdays. But we do see each other basically every evening. Rhia usually asks me to watch a movie, go for a run, or whatever. She’s even picked up some of my interests in order to spend more time with me.
Rhia and I have a lot of fun together, even when we’re doing unexciting things. After a few months, it’s just getting better between us. She regularly talks about the future and what we should do together. She’s also brought up the possibility of officially dating. We’ve kept our feelings about each other to ourselves and our other roommate doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m doing my best to take it slow and stay a Challenge.
Doc, Rhia’s Interest Level is through the roof. However, there are lots of potential land mines in this situation. I don’t want to give up on a good thing just because of our living arrangement, especially with her interest hovering around 90%. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Franz - who’s stuck in a very tricky situation
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Thank you very much for the compliment about my work. What you point out is what a lot of men don’t realize: “The System” is not just about asking Caprice for her phone number. My techniques carry over into EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE. You’ll see positive results not only in your personal life but in your business endeavors as well, and if you absorb my principles you will be a more confident man in general.
The fact that Rhia knows nothing about you and you know all about her is the way it should be, dude. It means that now you have the advantage. But of course you always have to remember that she holds the rejection card. But keep doing what you’re doing, Franz, and you’re going to be all right. At least for the time being you’ve got the upper hand. The trick is to keep it.
The witty comments, clever jokes and Cary Grant impressions are also wonderful. And they’re what you’re going to still be doing after 45 years of marriage, pal because what got her to fall in love will keep her in love!
It’s likewise great that you’re having all kinds of fun together. Always make sure that Rhia asks you to do stuff. Don’t ask her to do anything. The point is to make sure that you keep this girl constantly chasing you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If she’s constantly pursuing you, she can’t be thinking of rejecting you.”
The one thing you don’t mention here, Franz, is how old this girl is. But you say that she’s a student, which leads me to believe that she’s within the dangerous age bracket – 18 to 22. And you guys know, if you’ve read my materials, what I say about girls in that age range (and guys too) - they may be ready for careers, etc., but a lot of times they aren't really ready to settle down.
That said, picking up your interests is what a Flexible Giver does when she has high Interest Level in a man. The fact that you guys are having a great time even when you’re doing unexciting things is extremely important. Know why? Because it means that it doesn’t matter what you’re doing with this girl for her to want to be with you. It means she has high Interest Level in you, not in how much money you’re spending on her. You can be peeling potatoes or walking your dog and it wouldn’t make any difference to her because she’s interested in you for you. When you go out with a Mercenary, all she’s concerned with is whether you’re going to the best restaurant in town and whether she’s going to be able to order the lobster francaise or the filet mignon.
It’s fantastic that Rhia talks about the future. Because usually the opposite is true -- guys always want to talk about the future. Guys always want to yak about things, thinking that this is going to entice the woman to want to stay with him. What he doesn’t realize is that this makes him a boring pushover.
It’s so much better if she does the talking about the future because, again, she’s the one holding the rejection card. And while she’s talking about all the great activities you two should be doing in the future, the last thing on her mind is getting rid of you.
So what you’re going to do here, Franz, is not “officially date.” You’re going to keep this thing with Rhia at status quo until she’s going absolutely nuts. But keep in mind that you have another roommate you have to contend with. Hopefully she isn't a BLOCKER (which is a chapter in my book).
Franz, if Rhia is truly a keeper, you might want to think about moving out of that house. The point is just to test her. Watch her reaction when you tell her you’re going to move. To you Psych majors, what you’re really doing is checking to see whether she goes berserk at the thought of you being away from her. If she says, “Oh, no -- please don’t leave me, Franz,” then you know you’re in good shape.
Remember, guys: if you’re a Challenge, she’ll never want to leave you.
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