This article originally appeared in the Doc Love Club - to join for more articles like this click here and don't forget to get your 10% discount on THE SYSTEM/DATING DICTIONARY here - it's the book that's changed thousands of lives around the world - are you next?
(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
First of all, let me say that I’ve been reading your columns for a couple of months now and find your perspective unique and very interesting. I don’t know if it will work with every problem a guy has with women, but your writing is certainly lively and funny. It’s nice to find a love doctor who actually has a sense of humor!
Anyway, I have a peculiar problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. I was recently widowed (six months ago) after decades of marriage. I knew my wife’s death was coming, but it was still a shock. I think I might still be in a state of shock, frankly, and because of that I’m reluctant to even approach a woman.
What’s complicating this situation is that I seem to keep running into unhappily married women who show an interest in me. These are women who I’ve met through my work. (I own a small manufacturing business.)
I’ll give you examples.
First there’s Dominique, a stunning Frenchwoman who is married to an American man. He’s a successful financial analyst; a very nice man (I’ve met him a couple of times) and they have two young children. The problem, says Dominique, is that she’s not in love with her husband anymore. He doesn’t pay attention to her and is always working. They are well off and have all the trappings, it goes without saying. She claims that she is physically attracted to me, but so far when we’ve been alone, she has made no move to touch me.
Another example is Ava, a gorgeous redhead in the process of getting separated from her wealthy stockbroker husband. They have five kids, and her complaints about her soon-to-be-ex are the same as Dominique’s, with the addition that Ava’s husband is also mentally and physically abusive. Ava and her kids are also well provided for, but she’s not happy. She also says she’s attracted to me, but when we went for a walk in the park the other day, she said that she “wasn’t ready” to go any further at this point because her head’s “not right.” But what threw me for a loop is that she revealed to me right afterward that she’s already dating a musician.
Do you see a pattern here, Doc? Both women seem to have the same problems with husbands who don’t give them positive attention but have provided for them financially. Do THEY have a problem? Should I push the issue with them as far as romance is concerned? Like I said, I admit that I’m not sure what I’m doing because of my fragile state of mind. Please help me figure out what to do, as I’m very attracted to both of these lovely women.
Quentin - who doesn’t have his act together yet
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First of all, let me remove any doubts you have about my method. It’s simple: “The System” works with every problem with every woman because it’s THE TRUTH.
Now that you mention it, the other love doctors out there aren’t very funny, are they? It’s amazing how unfunny they can be and still have any kind of following.
And thanks for the compliment, Quentin. If you can still manage a laugh despite your tribulations, you’re going to make it.
That said, I’m very, very sorry to hear of your wife’s passing, and it’s going to take you a long time to get over it. But you must remember that life does go on. As Woody Allen said in one of his films, “Life is for the living.”
Now let’s take a look at your situation. First you tell me you keep “running into” unhappily married women. But you only give me two examples, and these gals are coming to you for business reasons. You haven’t talked about trying to meet females by working the Internet, or going to a dance club, or attending a cooking class or an awareness seminar. The point is that you’re really not going out and consciously “meeting” this type of woman. You’re at a vulnerable point in your life right now, but when we think about the next 10 years -- assuming you go on trying to hustle women -- you’re going to be meeting all kinds from all over the map, so don’t think Dominique and Ava are it. They just appear to be it for the time being.
Did you ask Dominique if when she married her poor sap of a husband she was in love with him? That’s what you should have fired back at her at the beginning, and then you’d have found out what the deal really was. Sure the guy’s always busting his hump – how do you think he procures all the trappings to keep his queen happy? Don’t you see that, Quentin? And don’t for a minute jump to the conclusion that the mess she’s in is definitely the fault of her husband. What she’s handing you is just Womanese for “I’m bored, and I need to play with someone else’s head for a while!”
Here’s another question you should have asked her: how does she think her kids are going to be provided for after she dumps hubby? I hate to have to break this to you, pal, but Dominique’s selfish, and all she’s thinking about is herself, not her kids. And they deserve to be thought about.
At first glance, your second honey, Ava, is a slightly better bet – at least she’s in the process of getting out. But let me get this straight. Ava makes love to a man who physically and mentally abuses her, has five kids with him, and then figures out that he’s bad news?
But I must admit, Quentin, that at least you’re meeting the rich ones. And guess what? To you guys who are always complaining about all the Beautiful Women marrying rich dudes, just because they’re married to them doesn’t mean they’re happy!
When Ava told you her head wasn’t right, you should have looked at her with the sweetest expression and said, “That’s the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me.” And then given her a big Christopher Walken-like grin and walked off.
Do I see a pattern here? Oh, sure. The pattern is that when women are on the rebound, they like you! In fact, I’ll bet you didn’t know you’re about to win the “Mister Rebound Award.” When these powdered, coiffed and manicured ladies drive over to your place in their spanking new Mercedes Benzes and BMWs and need someone to moan to about how terrible their lives are, your shoulder is there for them to cry on.
But like I said before, I only hope you don’t go as far as to believe their husbands are the bad guys. Of course they’re feeding you that these schmucks are nothing short of beasts, but if you talked to him, she’d be the problem. To you Psych majors, there are ALWAYS two sides to these stories. How do you know the husbands don’t pay attention to their wives? Maybe they’ve tried everything and your two knockouts are so cranky all the time that nothing works. If you’re not in their homes, Quentin, you can’t see what’s really going on.
So, buddy, rather than get yourself entangled in a quagmire with one of these two temptresses, what you’re going to do is get Dominique and Ava to set you up with their best-looking girlfriends who are SINGLE. Tell them, “Next time you want to get together and talk about your husband problems, bring along one of your hottest friends. In fact, bring along two of them. I don’t want you to think I’m a hog or anything, but what the heck, let’s spread all this love around!”
You’re not going to go chasing after these two beauties, Quentin. They’re nothing but trouble in high heels. They can nag and moan all they want, but they’re off-limits, especially the second one with her five kids. Ava should be ashamed of herself. She shouldn’t be even thinking about musicians until she’s got the divorce papers in her hands.
So remember, you’re going to work these two to get their girlfriends, but there’s a lot more to my principles than just that. And keep this in mind – Ava and Dominique might be lovely on the outside, but they’re not lovely on the inside.
Remember, guys: sometimes it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
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