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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
I’ve been an avid fan of yours since I started seriously dating, but I’ve only just begun to apply your techniques after experiencing many failures.
Now here’s my problem. I’ve been dating Donna for a year. She’s gorgeous – the kind of girl a guy can’t take his eyes off, so I guess I should have known what I was up against. Well, the week of our anniversary I got a call from a guy who says that he and Donna have been dating for the past two months. I didn’t know what to think, as you might imagine. When I confronted Donna about it, she admitted they’d been communicating, and that she did it because I seemed to have less time for her and she thought I was seeing someone else. (I wasn’t.) She apologized and told me that she still wants to work on our relationship.
The guy had the nerve to call me again and said that Donna is still trying to play both sides of the fence. She swore to me when I asked her about it that she would stop talking to him. Then, at a party she threw, I showed up and the guy was there. I couldn’t believe it. Donna danced with him even though she knew I was there. I ended up talking with her mother, who confided that Donna likes both of us. According to her, her daughter wants to be with me in the long term, but she really likes hanging out with this other guy.
So right then and there I went ahead and confronted Donna and this other guy. I asked her if she is going to choose him over me and she said no. Later she told me that she has not been intimate with the guy, but the guy told me afterward that he’s gotten very romantic with her, if you catch my drift. (I know that your column is G-rated.)
Doc, who should I believe and what should I do? I’m going absolutely crazy over this.
Vic - who’s confused and heartbroken in North Carolina
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I feel for you, my friend, but when something like this goes down, you have to figure one of two things is happening: either this other guy is lying through his teeth because he’s a heavy-duty blocker and wants your girl for himself, or he’s telling you the truth. It’s one or the other. Like I always tell you guys, you have to become a forensic love cop in order to successfully compete in this arena.
And if in fact you weren’t seeing some other girl, Donna is OUT. Like the Reality Factor says, “She has to be banished forever when your find out she’s fooling around with another guy on the side.” So what you say the minute she cops to being involved with him is “Donna, it was really nice knowing you,” and you walk. NOW. She’s finished. History. Because this girl has no Loyalty. She’s got no Integrity. “How can you date the girl if you can’t turn your back on her?
But Donna still wants to “work on your relationship.” Oh my gosh, Vic. I thought I’d heard it all, but those words are surely going to win the Womanese Of The Year Award For 2020. And, uh, by the way, there’s this bridge I’m looking to sell in Brooklyn….
The other guy called you a second time? Wow. I’m truly impressed. This dude’s got it all figured out. What’s funny – and pathetic -- is that you’ve got my book and he doesn’t! But maybe you haven’t finished reading it yet and that’s your excuse.
When Donna promised she’d stop talking to her other squeeze, you should have said, “No, I want you to keep right on talking to him, honey. Because I don’t want you to be alone. So you just keep going out with him. You two are going to have a great, wonderful relationship. We had a nice run, you and me, and I think you’re a heck of a girl, and I hope you make your new guy happy.” That’s what you should have said. And then turned and walked right out of there -- forever.
Unfortunately, you didn’t do that. And things went downhill, naturally, because once the moment of truth passes and you haven’t taken the correct action, nothing but bad things are bound to happen.
Vic, you don’t show up at a party when your girlfriend has no Integrity. Hel-lo? Then Donna shimmied and danced close with this guy when you were standing just a few feet away? This is the epitome of rubbing it in your face! What have I told you guys over and over? For God’s sake, don’t hang around for a beating when you’ve already taken it on the nose!
Donna’s mom told you that her daughter liked both of you fellows? I’m shocked! But on the other hand I do understand it. Donna’s just going to make out with this other guy until you two have your wedding day. Hey, I can go along with that! Makes perfect sense to me!
But you still didn’t catch on, Vic, despite being totally humiliated by your girl (who happens to be very classy by pulling something like this on you, by the way). Like a good Macho Boy you went ahead and confronted her and her new beau. I hate to break this to you, pal, but there was nothing to confront. You and Donna already had your talk. She told you a while ago she’s seeing another guy. What more do you need to get it through your head?
Regarding what the other guy told you about his “romantic” relationship with Donna, we don’t know if what he’s saying is true. The point is that you had a relationship with her for 10 months before he came into the picture. And at some point her Interest Level dropped through the floor and that’s why she got a backup in place for when she was through with you for good. Vic, I’d say you’ve hit the point of no return.
Who should you believe and what should you do now? Guy, you’ve got to immerse yourself in the Dating Dictionary. It’s your only hope of saving yourself from a life of sheer misery with the opposite gender. Once your girl told you that she was cuddling with somebody else for two whole months, you were dead in the water right there.
Remember, guys: if she lacks Integrity, drop her.
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