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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
I’m just getting back into the dating scene after a two-and-a-half year relationship and I’m a little rusty. I was familiar with your advice and a follower of your articles prior to my last relationship, but didn’t need to use them due to my ex’s constant attention regardless of what I did.
Recently I’ve been dating online and have had decent success in acquiring dates. Camille is one of them. But she’s a tough read and doesn’t initiate contact - she won't call or text. Normally I don’t like to be the only one initiating contact. In addition, she’s the type of woman that everyone praises lavishly for her beauty.
I have a close friend who is also a very attractive woman. She told me that she never initiates contact with a guy even if she likes him. She always waits for him to make a move before she responds. She says that she’s old-fashioned and believes in gender roles and that I should just keep on calling and dating Camille.
Doc, is this acceptable? How does a guy appropriately deal with a woman who won’t initiate contact?
I am doing the best I can to keep from getting sucked into the vortex of Camille’s life and playing her game, and have realized that I need to change my approach before I screw this up. I have a month to come up with a plan since she is traveling abroad during that time. And I will only be able to communicate with her through an online networking website. Which brings up another question as well: do I send Camille messages while she is gone? I don’t want to not contact her for concern that she will think I lost interest while she was gone. What do I do here?
Artie - who feels at a disadvantage
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What you really mean to say about your long-term relationship that didn’t work out is that you didn’t go by my rules and she dumped you. If there was such a thing as “Manese” – the male counterpart of Womanese -- that’s what you’d really be saying here, wouldn’t it?
It’s amazing how the male ego can’t stand any type of discomfort. And the ego’s biggest problem is called the TRUTH. The truth always implies that you have to accept responsibility for your actions, and it inflicts pain because it tells you that you have to get off your butt and follow ‘The System.’
Why were you breaking my rules on purpose, Artie? You’re telling me that you broke them purposely, with impunity, and that your ex’s Interest Level didn’t drop. But like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Didn’t it ever occur to you that the woman can fake Interest Level?”
Even worse, why in the world would you forsake the principles that got the girl in the first place? To you Psych majors, if a company builds its business on great service, and then it starts giving out lousy service, their customers will walk away. That would come under the heading of “Common Sense.”
Camille shouldn’t initiate contact with you, guy. And by the way, I hope you’re not praising this lady lavishly for her beauty. She hears that from everybody. She doesn’t need to hear it from you, too. But you’re wrong in not wanting to initiate contact with her. Hey, man, you’re the aggressor. But you’re not going to charge in. Instead, you’re going to pace yourself. You’re going to take measured steps. To all you out there who don’t understand me, you’re going to go in SLOWLY.
The great part about being gorgeous like your lady friend is that you don’t have to initiate contact with anybody. But it’s great that your friend waits for the man to make a move before she responds. Artie, you should buy 10 pounds of candy and 200 roses for your friend. She gives great advice. This is fantastic. Of course it’s acceptable to do it this way.
But what’s going to make you different from all the other guys is that you’re not going to just be a sap who does everything the woman wants you to do. You’re going to set Camille up. You’re going to work shrewdly and smartly with a strategy.
How do you deal with a woman who won’t call or text you? You follow my guidelines. All the advice you need is between the covers of my book, the one you supposedly knew at one time but somehow got rusty at -- maybe because you didn’t play by the rules anymore.
I like the way Camille is acting. This is a good girl. This is a conservative girl. You’re going to proceed nice and slowly with her because this is the kind of girl you want. The typical girl goes out with you one time and she’s text-messaging you 50 times the next day. Something’s wrong with that girl.
You won’t inundate Camille with e-mails while she’s away. The most you’ll do is wait eight or nine days and drop her a note saying “Tell me about the fun you’re having on your vacation.” And you’ll answer her messages when she’s gone. If you can live with it, you’ll have to go along with her program because of the way this girl is built.
Camille can do what she wants with your little e-mail. And by her answer, if you have my materials internalized, you’ll be able to see through her Womanese and really figure out her Interest Level. Because you’ll be giving her a chance to come back to you with something. Hopefully she’ll respond with “When I get back, we’ll get together for sure!”
The point is that you’re looking for something, and hopefully she’ll throw that something into her reply. That’s why you’re doing it this way, Artie. Like I said, you’re operating smart here.
Remember, guys: the old-fashioned girls are the best girls.
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