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I’ve been dating Samantha for two years and everything has been truly wonderful. I have followed your program to the letter. The 60 days of Challenge got her hooked, and then came the romance and affection. Samantha treats me like a king. Just the other day she gave me a card with a picture of a baby boy on the front. What she was telling me without coming out and saying it was how she really wants to marry me, and this is what our kid will look like. Now here’s the kicker, Doc. She even put a little money in it for me! She does stuff like this for me all the time. She even paid for my plane ticket to go and see her parents with her this past Christmas.
So what’s my problem? Well, it’s an issue related to Self-Control and jealousy. I know you said that jealousy is an absolute no-no and that guys have to have Self-Control at all times. Here’s what shakes mine.
Every month Samantha has to go out of town for two days to attend a seminar for her job. When she comes back, she tells me about this dude in her program who’s really cool and how they talk and then go out to dinner. Then she goes on to say she finally met someone in her seminar -- meaning him -- who isn't a total jerk (because everyone else in it is arrogant).
Now when she tells me all this, I play it cool. Samantha recounts how she showed my picture to this guy and told him all about how we met, and he in turn talks about his girlfriend.
I told her “That’s great,” but inside I’m thinking that this dude is trying to move in on my girl, know what I mean? Samantha’s actions show that she loves me, but I can’t help but think maybe I’m being hoodwinked here. I mean, how would I really know, right?
So Doc, am I just overanalyzing the situation? Am I being too paranoid? Am I worried over nothing, or am I letting myself get taken for a ride?
Jagger - who feels uneasy about those dinner dates
Very cute, Samantha’s little card with the money stuck in it. And I’ll bet that was a pretty baby on the cover, too. All in all, a very nice scene except for one thing -- she talks to you about another guy? Hold it right there! That’s a big, huge rock in the middle of the road, man. You might think it’s just a ping-pong ball, but from where I’m sitting, it’s a boulder.
I’ve got news for you, Jagger. This dude Samantha’s been talking about has been “working” her. Here’s the scenario. He’s new and fresh, he looks sharp, he has a spiffy suit on, he out dresses everybody at the seminar, he’s coming off as funny as Chris Rock, and, worst of all, you’re not doing something right at home.
Know how I know? Samantha wouldn’t be talking about him otherwise. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “When you make the cat purr all the time, she never wants to be petted by anyone else.”
Now let’s take apart what Samantha’s been feeding you about the seminar, piece by piece. Like I always tell you guys, this is the time to be like Detective Green on Law And Order, and you’re going to be a love cop on Love and Order. So run the evidence through your brain: “Now here’s a seminar room containing 38 people, right? And guess what? Every single one of them is ‘arrogant,’ except for this one guy. That leaves 37 arrogant people.”
Does it hold water? Or is your BS detector turning somersaults? How many times have you attended a class or social function and found that literally every one of the people in attendance have an attitude of some sort? None, right? It doesn’t make sense, does it?
See what they do here, guys? When they shovel it, you eat, like dopes. To you Psych majors, you buy into their WOMANESE, which means they say one thing but mean something else, and that something else is far, far different from the actual truth. Check out the very last chapter of the Dating Dictionary. It’s all explained right there.
Jagger, you didn’t stand up for yourself and attack Samantha on her logic (or, more accurately, her lack of it), which is what you should have done from the get-go. And the guys who know when and how to do that are the guys who have memorized my principles.
So, the seminar dude talks about his girlfriend? Isn’t that sweet and considerate of him….Wow, this guy’s really good. He probably hasn’t had a date in six months, but he’s really slick and he knows how to sucker your Samantha in. As the singer Sade would say, “He’s a smooth operator.” You never even considered the possibility that he’s slinging the bull, too, did you? That’s why I know you haven’t done your homework, Jagger.
But here’s the thing that should really be bothering you, guy. Samantha lied to you, when she said that 37 out of 38 people in a room were arrogant, and her dinner date is the only one who isn’t. (And he also happens to be the best-looking guy there, just by accident!)
When you love somebody, you can’t lie to them. When you lie to them, it sucks all the love away. That’s what the Reality Factor says.
You’re not overanalyzing the situation, Jagger. You’re just misinterpreting everything about it. And hell yes, you should be paranoid over the fact that Samanatha spends all her free time when she’s on a business trip hanging out with another man and can’t stop talking about him when she gets back!
What you should have done was conducted a hard interview of Samantha when she started going on about her seminar stud. But you should have prefaced it with “By the way, I’m real happy you’re having a good time on your trips,” to disarm her and get the answers you needed. Then you should have asked, “By the way, how many dates have you had with this fellow?” And her answer would have gone something like this: “Well, actually, we’ve been having dinner both nights since the second seminar, and this last one was the eighth seminar. So that makes a total of 14 dinners now that I’ve had with this guy. Everyone else there is arrogant, but not him! (And oh, by the way -- he just happens to look like Jamie Dornan!)”
And, my friend, at that point you would have realized you have a massive problem. And the problem may be that her Interest Level in you has skidded from 95% to 60%. This other guy is new and cool, using your girl’s own words, so he’s more attractive than you. So you have to ask yourself: “Am I being a Challenge? Do I allow her to touch me first? Do I wait for her to be affectionate? Does she still compliment me like in the good old days?”
And this is what you have to hope for: that this other guy really does have a girlfriend, and he’s just being nice to Samantha because they happen to get along and have business in common. Because you have to be able to trust your woman when she goes out of town. Otherwise, you’re in trouble.
Remember, guys: Doc Love doesn’t like it when she talks about other men.
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