HE'S MARRIED. SHE'S MARRIED. HE'S UPSET SHE WON'T LEAVE HER HUBBY - HE IS CLUELESS!
THE SYSTEM says, and this should be obvious, but for some guys it's not - YOU SHOULD NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED WOMAN - SHE. IS. UNAVAILABLE!
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I am in desperate need of advice, and I was hoping you could help me.
I am 38 years old and a police captain. A little over a year ago I started having an affair with the city clerk, who is 37. We were both married at the time. I know it was wrong, but it happened anyway. I wasn’t happy at all with my marriage. For a long time there was nothing between my wife and me, and she told me she wasn’t happy either. Things between the city clerk, who I’ll call Meg, and me, took off like a whirlwind. I fell in love with her, and she tells me she loves me too. She claims her husband has been unfaithful and controlling since they’ve been married and that she has not been happy in years.
We promised one another that we would marry and “live happily ever after.” It seemed like we had things all worked out and started dreaming and planning for the future. I divorced my wife and have completely dedicated myself to Meg. I do everything for this woman. I wait on her hand and foot. I buy her what she needs. I go out of my way for her mother and children. I can't think of any other way to show her I love her and how dedicated I am to our relationship.
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I suppose you can already guess what’s coming next. Meg has not left her husband yet. She tells me she doesn't know why she can't leave him. She’s always waiting for the right moment, or for him to cheat on her again, or just an easy way out. This is really beginning to wear me down. I have tried to explain to her how much it hurts to know she is with him and that they do things together. She seems sympathetic to my agony and asks me not to give up on her, that she wants to be my wife and for us to have a life together. Having to sneak a kiss or a hug, ducking and dodging, and having to meet somewhere secret to be together is all new to me. I’m beginning to feel like I get the seconds only when her husband doesn't have time for her.
Doc, have I been taken for a ride? Or should I give her the extra time she says she needs? What the heck’s going on?
Freddie - who held up his end of the deal
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
What do mean, this sordid affair just “happened?” Did this woman make you kiss her somehow? The fact is that each of you should have been off-limits to the other. Lots of people would say you shouldn’t mess around at all until you’re both divorced. Until the two of you are legally free, nothing starts.
If there was nothing between you and your wife, maybe you should have started dating her again, did you think of that? Maybe you should have given her 110% of your time and effort, taken her out every Friday and Saturday night, and tried to fix what went wrong. Pretend a little. Fake it, until you two got it back on track. If your wife’s Interest Level was hovering in the 51% range, you should have tried to fan the embers back to life. Until you did that, Freddie, you had no business getting divorced, and you shouldn’t have been chasing other women. In the words of my cousin Doctor Love, “Like half the guys in the world, the vows you took didn’t mean a thing.”
Of course things took off between you and Meg like a hurricane. To you Psych majors, forbidden fruit is always a temptation. As Rabbi Love puts it, “It’s like when Eve coaxed Adam to take a bite of that juicy-looking apple -- and he did. Bad decision.”
Now think about this for a minute. If Meg hasn’t been happy at home in years, then why hasn’t she...
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