SO MANY MISTAKES LED TO SO MANY ARGUMENTS...
THE SYSTEM says that when you do the wrong things you end up with many arguments like this guy has with the woman he wants to marry (for now). Make sure you do the opposite of what this guy did.
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Sofia and I have been engaged since this past August and dated for almost two and a half years before that. I’m 32 and she’s 31. She was always a Flexible Giver, and I had more fun with her than with any other woman. I also treated her right, just like you said to in your books.
After about a year and a half, Sofia was ready for marriage. I eventually proposed to her on a fun trip to Cape Cod, and we were both excited by it. We also decided we could move in together since we were engaged. This is where things got tough.
Since I was living in an apartment and Sofia had just bought a condo, it made sense for me to move in with her. The problem is that I had to fight to hang onto my own stuff and carve out some space for myself. Sofia was very settled, and I pointed out that it seemed more important for her to keep HER stuff the way she wanted it rather than making me feel welcome. From that point we’ve been in an argumentative rut. Sofia has lived alone for six years while I’ve always had a roommate. To boot, her stuff is thrown everywhere in the condo. I’m kind of an organizational freak, so this arrangement stresses me.
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Things finally came to a head a few weeks ago when we went shopping at the mall. We were walking along when all of a sudden my ex-girlfriend’s sister walked up and said hi. I was kind of shocked to see her because I cut off all communication off with my ex (who does live nearby) four years ago.
Afterwards, Sofia got really mad at me for not introducing her as my fiancé. I tried to explain that I was caught off guard and wasn’t thinking straight. I apologized, but I didn’t think it was that big a deal. Another big argument.
The next morning Sofia said she felt foolish and apologized profusely. But through all of this Doc, my excitement to get married is greatly diminishing. Is this part of living together that I’d have to deal with anyway? (Many friends tell me it is.) Or do we have a real problem? I know you say a few arguments a year is okay, but we’re having too many. It really bothers me that I’m not all pumped up for marriage anymore.
I still love Sofia and am willing to work on our problems. She can tell I’m more and more “out of it” lately and it makes her sad because she thinks we’re on the rocks. I’m trying to be supportive of her, but I’m just numb from it all. I’d love some advice.
Val - who’s not even married yet but already weary
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
Your first big mistake was asking Sofia to marry you. You may own my book, but it’s obvious you haven’t actually read it. Because if you did, you’d know that in “The System” the woman always asks the man to get married. You got things all backwards, and that’s why you’re in trouble. You’ve got to be more of a Challenge. Guys, Challenge matters even when it comes to kissing.
Now this is what I don’t get, Val. I always tell you guys to look at a woman’s Attitude, right? So you date Sofia for two and a half years, and every time you go to her house it looks like a pigsty. You notice it because you’re a “cootie freak.” Then all of a sudden you move in with her without setting the ground rules first.
What were you thinking, pal? Didn’t you sit down with your squeeze and establish the boundaries first? What you should have done was hashed out with Sofia exactly...
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