HE USED CHALLENGE WELL THEN RUINED IT BY BEGGING...
THE SYSTEM says that CHALLENGE is good but if you BEG like this guy did then you'll ruin all your good works..
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I’ve been a faithful reader of your columns for over three years now. I’ve tried to use your principles, especially being a Challenge, in my current relationship with June (we’ve been together for over two years), but it’s not working as well as I thought it would. There’s something wrong, but I don’t know what it is.
June and I met in our last year of college. We started dating after three weeks of getting to know each other as classmates. I used your techniques from the get-go and they worked! I appeared confident, decisive, and didn’t always give in to June’s whims. I guess that’s how we’ve been able to stay together, and she even moved to Taiwan from her homeland (Hong Kong) for me.
But this is where things might have gone wrong. June is an incredibly insecure girl. Let me give you an example. On our first date, which was lunch, we were at a restaurant where some of the customers at other tables were being noisy. Therefore I decided that we should leave. However, she interpreted this to mean that I didn’t care about her and acted stone cold for the rest of the evening. When I asked her what was wrong, she wouldn’t say a word. Finally her friends intervened and resolved the situation.
Another example is that she’ll compare the movies and novels she reads with her life and concludes that a guy should do anything for the girl he loves. Doc, since this is her first relationship, all she can compare me to are the men from the movies and books she’s read. So if I don’t measure up well (in her mind) to the fictional guys, she becomes fearful that I don’t love her enough. Then she’ll try and catch my attention by acting really sad and angry, and I have to spend hours comforting her and reassuring her that I care a lot for her.
The problem is now worse, because June moved across the ocean to be with me, which means she has even higher expectations and demands from our relationship. The slightest imperfection or misunderstanding can cause her to worry and doubt the relationship. And since she is so insecure, she tries to save face by terminating the relationship first.
Whenever she pulls this tactic, however, she ends up crying and regretting what she said and did. Doc, I’m at wit’s end. How do I deal with such a sensitive and insecure girl? If I remain a Challenge, she’ll think I don’t compare with the romantic “wussies” from the Hollywood movies. Does being a Challenge work for a girl with low self-esteem and insecurities?
Mick - who got himself into a mess and doesn’t know how to get out
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
Before we get into the heart of your fix, I want to point something out. When you appear confident, it doesn’t matter what country the woman’s from, as you’ve demonstrated here. She can be from Mongolia or she can be from Montana, but all women, all over the world, want a confident, decisive guy.
Secondly, you mentioned that June wanted to do things that you didn’t. So how did you handle it? You compromised a little. You gave some ground to her, but to the rest of her demands you said NO. So I want to thank you for writing that sentence. Most guys would just read it and not give it a second thought, but there is a lot of power in it, and like Fast Eddie Love would say, “Dude, you showed that you have some real cojones.” Mick, there doesn’t have to be any guessing on your part about why you two stayed together. Your ability to take a stand and say NO is definitely the reason.
When a woman moves for you – in your case, across the South China Sea – that indicates high Interest Level. What you have to do is keep the Interest Level high – that’s the hard part. But at the same time, you have to have something to work with. And sadly, you don’t have that here. I’ll explain a little later.When you left the restaurant, Mick, did you tell ...
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