6 WEEKS IN AND HE WANTS TO SEE HER ALL THE TIME? GUY, GUY, GUY...
THE SYSTEM says that you have to spoon feed yourself - but not our hero here - he wants to jump with both feet in after 6 weeks...umm...NOT GOOD!
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149: She’s Got Too Many Rules To Date!
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I’ve been dating Rachel for six weeks now and everything is going great. She is Beautiful, Intelligent, and so far I see no Red Flags whatsoever – at least that I’m aware of. In other words, she is a Keeper. The only thing that has me a little wary is that she is 22 years old and has only had one boyfriend before me. I’m 24, by the way and broke up with a long-term girlfriend from high school two years ago.
So here’s why I’m writing. Is it a good or a bad thing if you want to be with the other person all the time? Rachel and I want to do this because we are so in love with each other. That’s normal, wouldn’t you say? When you are at the beginning of a relationship and you are both deeply in love, you tend to want to be together all the time, right?
But in the back of my mind certain thoughts float through from time to time. For instance, should you resist that urge to be together all the time? Why? So as to not lose yourself in the other person. I feel that could happen, to be honest with you. And to keep your own separate identity. And to keep the girl longing for you. And to not “kill the spark” too soon. Etc. You get the idea.
Or should you just listen to your desire and dive in head first? That’s the other side of the coin. Sometimes you hear stories about couples that move in together right away because it just feels so right and they don’t want to live without each other.
What is your opinion and experience, Doc?
Jaxon - who doesn’t want to blow it
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER IN A SECOND BUT FIRST...
The first problem you have with Rachel is that you only have six weeks in with her. You cannot possibly tell me that a girl is a Keeper after only six weeks.
You really don’t know this girl. In fact, after six weeks, you don’t know anything at all about her. You would know her pretty well if you said that you had six months in with her, on the other hand. Six months is a lot different than six weeks.
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So you’re going too fast, Jaxon. You can’t possibly know if she’s a Keeper, because again, you don’t even know her. Add to that the fact that in the early stages of dating the guy and the girl are both high on each other, so you can’t see straight. You don’t really know yet whether Rachel is a Giver or a Taker. You don’t know yet if she’s moody. Etc.
The main point here is that IT TAKES TIME in order to find this stuff – the really important stuff-- out. And six weeks isn’t nearly time enough. To you Psych majors, you have to get two years in with her before you marry her because you’re going to be with her for 40 years.
Another problem you have is that Rachel is only 22 years old. As you know if you’ve read my book, between the ages of 18 and 22, the girl falls in and out of love every five minutes. I wish that Rachel was 25 or 26 years old and all grown up, but she isn’t. She just isn’t quite there yet.
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Now, on to your questions. It’s a good thing to want to be with a girl you love all of the time, but it’s a bad thing to actually be with her all of the time.
Of course it’s normal to want to be with each other constantly, and that’s because you’re both high on love right now. But that high can be dangerous if you don’t see reality. Eventually, however, that high will drop, and you will enter another stage of the relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Like with any drug, the high eventually wears off.” Hopefully you’ll still have high Interest Level in each other at the next stage, but you won’t have the bells and whistles like you do now. Everyone wants to keep feeling the high from the initial stages of dating, but it really doesn’t last.
But the greatest danger of all is that you will kill Challenge by seeing Rachel all the time. Even though you’re dying to see her all the time, you have to keep your distance. You shouldn’t see her over twice a week and no texting. Yes, you should resist the urge to be together all the time. Instead you should spoon-feed yourself, especially with a 22-year-old who is Beautiful.
Of course you don’t want to lose your identity. And yes, you want the girl to keeping longing for you. Ideally what you want is for her Interest Level to be 90% to 100% and yours to be 80% to 89%. The key is that you MUST PACE YOURSELF. It’s extremely important not to burn yourself – and the girl -- out.
So, no, DON’T dive in head-first. That’s what most guys do, and like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “And when they dive in head-first, there ain’t no water in the pool.” Should you move right in with her? Moving in right away is too much too soon. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re moving in with a stranger.”
Remember, guys: you can never go in too slow with a girl.