WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
She's got him in YO-YO mode and it's totally HIS FAULT
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I’m in my early 20s and have been your student since I was 18. I’ve read your book 12 times. “The System” has given me the Confidence to approach and date girls both in and out of college.
I’ve read both the Friend Zone chapter in your book as well as all the columns about it, but my situation is different. I met Chyna when we were applying to Harvard three years ago. I found out she had a boyfriend and so we became friends. I made her my confidante and told her about my dates, etc. She never stopped being flirtatious with me, though.
When she broke up with her boyfriend I never gave her my shoulder to cry on. After a couple of rebound dudes she was more open about her interest in me. She often called me handsome, talked about making out and getting physical, etc. I handled it with humor. She also tried to convince me to go out with her a couple of times, but I avoided the subject.
A few days later she said that the only reason we were not together as a couple was because I was playing hard to get. I said that if she wanted to be with me, she had to win me. Of course Challenge worked and she got more intense.
I decided to finally ask her out, but I found out that she was still hanging out with her ex. I changed my mind about asking her out (I was afraid she was not over her ex yet), and reduced contact with her. She said she could not understand why I didn’t make a move on her. She then began to test me by not even talking to me and being cold.
We both ended up at Harvard. Four months ago I decided to finally ask Chyna out now that we’re no longer in the same classes. We got together for a bite. I was light and funny and at the end she hugged me and said she had a great time. I waited nine days to ask her out again, and she accepted. We had dinner, and at her front door I went for the good night kiss. When I called for the next date one week later, however, she said she was busy (Harvard is demanding!) and did not counter offer. We have seen each other a couple of times in the halls and library since, when most of the time I’m surrounded by my new female classmates, making them laugh.
I know I’m probably out, so I began to act like Chyna’s friend again. She said that she was sorry about being so busy and that we should see each other after exams. I said I was going to think about it (I practiced Self-Control and did not jump immediately). I’ve dated three girls since and I asked Chyna’s advice about another girl I dated who wanted to go exclusive. Chyna didn’t seem to like it. She said I should only date the girl casually.
I’m currently dating two other girls and will wait to see if Challenge works with Chyna. I know that young girls fall in and out of love every five minutes. Is this case? Or is this revenge for the many times I rejected her?
Ty - who tries to improve his game every day
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
You should NEVER have become friends with Chyna. To you Psych majors, you NEVER want to get into the Friend Zone with females because then you’ll never get out of it. If she has a boyfriend, you just pass on her and treat her like every other girl you meet.
While you were spending all this time with Chyna not as a boyfriend, you were doing nothing but reinforcing your position in the Friend Zone. What you should have said to her was “Once you dump this guy, get in touch.” Then you should have had nothing to do with her. You gave away the store early with Chyna and there was nowhere else for you to go. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You were finished early, dude.”
Now let me ask you this: why in the world would you avoid the subject of going out with Chyna after she got rid of her boyfriend? It makes no sense. And all she had to do after dumping her ex was ask you out – but she didn’t. You don’t make a girl win you, pal. You...
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