WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
He's married but that's no problem because she's married too. Ummm.....NO NO NO AND NO.
It's bad enough that she's still legally tied to her husband but he's tied to his wife. This situation can only end one way - DISASTER.
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I didn’t know about you until 20 minutes ago when I discovered you on line, but I wish I had last February when I found Maddie. We met online and we flirted. I’m in the United States and she’s in Canada. We are both married and not in the best situations, and it seemed like we were both looking for something.
When I found Maddie she took my breath away. We talked and messaged whenever we could and had an amazing time when we could get together.
Whenever I left her after a few days together, I felt empty. I hated that we didn’t have more time together.
Anyway, fast forward to two weeks ago. I got a text at midnight from Maddie asking what I’m up to, then a quick “I think we need to go back to friendship mode for now.”
The reason is that Maddie claims that her other half – her husband -- is now making an effort.
I know you can only believe one side of a story because you only get information from one person but
I love this girl and I want her to be with me.
Maddie and I give each other what we’re missing -- life and a chance to be happy. But now I’ve tried to cut off all contact with her and I had to be stern and tell her to block and delete me so we wouldn’t talk anymore.
She claims I’m her best friend and she can’t be without me and she feels like I’m just leaving her. But she told me that since I’m moving on she can’t be angry at that, and if I want to be with another woman it’s none of her business.
I don’t want this and I’ve been trying to give Maddie space so she’ll realize what she’s missing without me. And I think she does because she won’t seem to take no for an answer as far as being in contact goes.
She knows what she means to me. I know she wants to be with me but it’s not that easy to obtain visas to get into the United States.
Doc, what should I do? Should Maddie and I be lovers or friends?
Gordy - who’s all hung up
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Gordy,
Wait a minute here. You’re telling me that you’re married and that Maddie is married? That means that you have to get divorced and she has to get divorced. Then she has to move to the United States and become an American citizen. You have a lot of work to do here! I hope you realize what you’re involved in, my friend!
The reason Maddie took your breath away is because you’re miserable with your wife and she can’t stand the sight of her husband. Anybody would look good to you, and anyone would look good to Maddie. That’s what’s going on here, Gordy.
You say that you’re devastated and empty when Maddie isn’t with you. That’s too bad. But do you realize that you’re committing adultery? Rather than commit adultery, get a divorce from your wife and go and marry Maddie. It will last about four months if you’re lucky, then that will be over with too!
I’ve got news for you, dude. There’s no way you’re going to be in friendship mode with Maddie. You and Maddie are doing nothing but lying to each other. You’re way past the friendship mode. In fact, there shouldn’t be any mode at all! You shouldn’t even be seeing this woman because she’s married and you’re married.
Whether or not you’re miserable, you have a contract with your wife and Maddie has one with her husband. Let me explain something to you: “THE SYSTEM” IS NOT ABOUT HOW TO COMMIT ADULTERY. My book is all about how to find a good woman and keep her.
Gordy, you don’t want to hear Maddie’s side of the story. It doesn’t matter which side of the story you hear anyway. Get it through your head – SHE’S MARRIED. To you Psych majors, that makes her completely off limits. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If you love her and want to be with her, how come the two of you aren’t talking to divorce lawyers instead of playing games on the phone?”
But you swear that you and Maddie give each other life and a chance to be happy. Guy, she’s in another country and all you’re doing is committing adultery over the phone lines! You say you’ve finally told her to not contact you anymore – great! You finally wised up! Now, what you have to do is go back to your wife and make an effort to get your relationship with her back on track — or divorce her. And let me remind you once again – “The System” is against adultery.
It’s not another woman that you’re supposed to be with, Gordy – you’re supposed to be with your wife! You’re shouldn’t be out looking for another babe. You should want to be with your wife. What space are you talking about giving Maddie? She’s married and lives in a foreign country — there’s lots of space between you already!
You and Maddie are living in an illusion. This is all nothing but a fantasy. You’re having fun and it’s interesting because an extramarital relationship is forbidden and wrong. It’s too bad that you and Maddie don’t have the maturity to make a go of it with what you’ve got – in other words, your spouses — or get the hell out.
Neither one of you has the guts to go and hire a divorce lawyer, and that’s your problem. If you don’t, you’re just playing a game. How long can you do it? How long will it last? Where is it going? Do you and Maddie have kids? How is this clandestine affair affecting them?
Remember, you have a legal contract with your wife to be Honest and Loyal despite the fact that you’ve fallen out of love with each other.
What should you do? Go back to your wife and make a go of it or get a divorce, have Maddie get a divorce, then move to Canada! You should be neither lovers nor friends. Maddie is married and you’re married. That means there should be nothing between you WHATSOEVER.
Remember, guys: if you’re married, you shouldn’t be dating anyone but your wife.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you, and each time you look in the mirror, that’s the only person you should blame.
Great comments! Thanks for weighing in VJ
Doc Love telling it straight as usual. It’s amazing how on point you are with every single article, honestly I can’t get enough. The male ego is incredibly blinding when it comes to women, thanks for showing us the light! I feel bad for this guy doc, If he came across your book earlier and put it to use, he would never be in this situation. One of your most important lessons is controlling your interest level, and unfortunately this guys seems to be up in the clouds, to the woman he’s not even married!
Matt,
Thanks for your kind words – much appreciated!