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She was all over him after they left the bar and then when she sobered up...

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READER'S QUESTION

Hey Doc,

Here’s a head scratcher for you.

I met Candace through a friend. We had some beers, listened to some music, but when I tried to kiss her, she turned her head. I did not see her again for three months.

Candace is a cycling instructor, so I ended up going to a couple of her classes. She was training for a triathlon, so I invited her to go swimming. She begged off the first time, but when I asked her a second time, we ended up going and having lunch afterwards. That night we went to a bar and she told me about her last relationship, and how she was sad about it because she wanted to commit but the guy didn’t. She began to touch me and eventually said “Kiss me.” When we left the bar, she was all over me and invited me back to her place, where we made out for a few hours.

The very next day Candace’s attitude changed. She was distant, said she felt ashamed about what happened and she wanted me out of there quick. Later that night she sent me the following message. “You are a nice guy and I don’t want any of what happened to make you feel uncomfortable, I don’t want it to affect our friendship and activities (cycling and swimming), and I swear nothing like this will happen again under these circumstances.”

I waited a week to re-establish communication. I asked Candace to do something with me several times, but she said no. Finally, she told me, “I have to tell you some changes I’m going through. I’m trying again with my ex. Let’s talk one of these days.”

Of course I’m disappointed, but I’m also kind of perplexed. After all this, I found your columns and started reading. It seemed to me that Candace had high Interest Level. Yes, her boyfriend story and the way she came on strong should have been Red Flags, but what is a guy to do if a girl is all over him on the first date? Isn’t that already a high Interest Level indicator? Should I not have gotten romantic when she wanted to in order to create even more Challenge? Wouldn’t that have been interpreted as a rejection? What about her change of attitude the next day and the going back to a boyfriend who was supposedly bad for her after one week? I’d appreciate your take on this because it certainly has me baffled. Is it worth waiting for this girl? If yes, what should my next step be? If not, should I cut off contact with Candace completely or keep going to her cycling classes?

Van - whose head is spinning like a bicycle wheel

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DOC'S ANSWER

Hi Van,

I see you don’t have my book! You kiss the girl on the mouth on her doorstep on the second date. Most girls say “he pushes too hard” about guys. That’s you, my friend, and you did it straight out of the gate.

When you didn’t see Candace for three months, that meant it was OVER. You get one shot per girl per lifetime and you had yours. So it was finished at that point.

But then you started hanging around Candace’s cycling class. Why? After a girl rejects you, why would you still chase her? And you kept pushing and twisted her arm to go swimming. You know what’s bad about this girl? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She makes you work too hard.” And what that tells you loud and clear is that SHE’S NOT INTERESTED in you. But since you don’t have my book, you don’t recognize any of these signs and what they mean.

It must have really made you feel good to hear all about Candace’s last boyfriend, Van! But then you went and made out with her all night, and couldn’t stop yourself from being in touch with her the next day. You’re absolutely butchering CHALLENGE, man! You know why she wanted you out of there quick? Because she misses her ex, who treated her like crap. When she told you that nothing like it would ever happen again, what she was saying in Womanese was that you are locked into the Friendship Zone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. But you were there anyway. Unless of course Candace gets a couple of six packs in her -- then she loves everybody!

To you Psych majors, you don’t ask a girl several times to do anything. You ask her ONCE, and when she says no, you throw her number away. How many times does she have to say no, how many times does she have to tell you that she’s not interested, before you pick up the hint? Dude, you are absolutely clueless! When Candace said “Let’s talk one of these days,” she meant like in 30 years!

If you had found my materials and started reading six months before you met Candace, she would have been sitting in your lap right now and begging for marriage and babies. As it is, Candace never had high Interest Level in you, pal. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She only has high interest when she drinks.”

When a girl is all over you on the first date, you just say “No, thank you.” It’s very easy. Candace didn’t put a gun to your head, did she? The problem is that you have to have time in with a girl to gauge real interest. You have to see high interest for six months – not until the beer wears off! Of course you shouldn’t have responded to her in order to create more Challenge. But it doesn’t matter now, because this thing is dead.

Let me explain something to you, my friend. When a girl is talking about her ex, it’s best if you don’t make out with her. And if she went back to a guy who is bad for her, she’s a nut case!

There’s nothing to wait for here, Van. This babe never dug you. You never had anything going with this girl, ever. Everything that’s going on between your ears about Candace is a great big illusion.

What should your next step be? Memorize my materials so you don’t make a fool of yourself again!

Remember, guys: never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.


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