TWO LOVES OF HER LIFE???
So he is the love of her life but so was some other guy. Huh? How could she have TWO loves of her life? Oh man, this reader needs some SERIOUS HELP!
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095: Key errors sink most guys in dating - don't let it happen to you by listening to this show
096: Ugh, she's a pathological liar - what should he do?
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I’m in a very tough situation, and I hope you can help.
I’ve been with Erica for a long time. We met 13 years ago when I was 19 and she was 18. She basically picked me up, we were intimate the first night, and we got very close for three months until I had to go back to college. We remained friends. When we were apart we each had other partners, but when we were together it was real love. I felt like we were always close spiritually and loved each other.
Erica got married when she was 26, and had a son who is now five. The marriage lasted only two years, then she met another guy who she called the love of her life, but couldn’t stay with him for various reasons. She moved back to Minnesota, where I live, a year ago. We started talking, then became intimate again but on a higher level this time. She got pregnant, but we lost the baby. Now she’s pregnant again with my daughter.
Doc, there have been Loyalty and faithfulness issues with Erica in the past. She cheated on her exes, sometimes with me. I know because Erica and I are very good friends and we talk openly about everything. Now I’m basically her husband without being legally married. I support her and my stepson financially – rent, bills, allowances, you name it. I told her that once this relationship started I had to have her complete Loyalty. She told me I did, but sometimes I feel like I don’t.
Now Erica has gone on vacation to the city where she lived with the love of her life (he still lives there). She will be there for a whole month. This is very hard for me. I can’t go with her because of my job. I feel almost sure that she will be intimate with him or someone else when she’s there. She’s promised me that if she does, she will tell me. But I’m not okay with it. This to me is one of the most disloyal things a woman can do to a man, especially since I’m paying for the vacation, I support her and her son, and she’s pregnant with my daughter.
How do I handle this thing? Part of me wants to say I’m done with her, another part says ride it out. Erica does take very good care of me and pampers me. I don’t know for sure if she will cheat on me, but I feel like she will. Why would a woman do this to a man?
Dale - who has good reason not to trust her
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
Wait a minute here. You say that when you and Erica were apart you had other partners, but when you were together it was real love. Dude, real love means there are other NO OTHER PARTNERS! To you Psych majors, real love is exclusive.
Now let me get this straight. First you tell me that you’re the love of Erica’s life, and then you tell me she has another love of her life? How is that possible? Doesn’t “love of your life” imply only one person?
How could you and Erica be intimate on a higher level? If you’d been intimate on a higher level, it would have meant that you two would have gotten married. So you didn’t go to a higher level, Dale. You’re actually on the same exact level you were on when you first met. It might have been a higher level in your mind, but in reality, nothing changed.
Why don't you have The System yet? It's THE definitive book on dating and relationships from a MAN'S point of view. I've interviewed THOUSANDS of women asking them why they CHOOSE to stay with one man versus another and what I've LEARNED from women I TEACH to men.
I’m very sorry that you and Erica lost a baby. Losing a baby had to have a terrible effect on Erica’s mind, besides the fact that she wasn’t married to you and was having a baby out of wedlock. But aren’t you and she practicing birth control? Now she’s pregnant again. Where is the Self-Control in this relationship, guy?
All of which brings up a vital question: why aren’t you and Erica legally married? Why don’t you ask her to get married? What are you waiting for, pal? You’re supporting her and she’s pregnant for a second time, but there seems to be no move whatsoever to make the relationship legal. What gives? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “This whole relationship is so convoluted, it’s unbelievable.”
Now you’ve asked for Erica’s complete Loyalty, but you didn’t bring up marriage. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, marriage is how you get complete Loyalty.” Being married will make Erica loyal – did you think of that?
How do you know that Erica is going to cheat on you when she goes on vacation? You’re projecting here, Dale. Erica has never been disloyal to you. She’s been disloyal to the other guys in her life, but not you. Now she’s pregnant with your daughter, so she has to have some type of Loyalty to you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re making a mountain out of nothing.”
Then you got Erica to promise that she’ll tell you if she’s unfaithful to you. Wow, Dale, you actually presented that question to her? And do you actually think she would tell you the truth? Just by bringing the subject up you’re accusing her and telling her to her face that you don’t trust her. And this is the woman who’s pregnant with your little girl?
Dale, you never bought a ring or brought up marriage to Erica. You and she have done nothing but dance around the word “marriage” throughout your relationship. What should you do? You should ride it out with Erica and ask her to marry you. You tell me that Erica takes care of you and pampers you, but you just gloss over it as if it’s no big deal, and it is.
A woman would cheat on a man because she has low Interest Level or has no Integrity. But over the years Erica has been very honest and upfront with you about everything including her past men. When you’re with her she’s great with you. So marry her already. What are you waiting for?
Remember, guys: if you’re supporting her, you should marry her.