Dating Women Podcast Episode 16
Be careful of internet "gurus" that say you can have any woman you want, Match.com versus what we teach and MORE!
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WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
He did too much for his girl and paid too much attention. His reward? She says she loves him but he's no longer her "soul mate." Also, there was an ex floating in the background...
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I recently discovered your columns, but I’m afraid it might be too late.
I went out with a bombshell named Victoria for eight months until a few days ago. We both attend the same college (I’m 21 and she’s 19). She’s smart, sexy, funny, and definitely a Flexible Giver. I didn’t push and was very patient with her in the beginning, all while being a Challenge. Even after we started dating I still kept my Self-Control. She went on a trip to another state a couple months later, phoned and drunkenly confessed that she was falling for me. A month later she said she loved me and that it was okay if I didn’t feel it yet.
Both our interest levels were really high at that point, and a month later, I told her I loved her. Because we attended the same college, I saw her very often. She constantly told me that I was her soul mate, and that she’s never been happier, and that there was nothing I could do that would ever make her stop liking me. Occasionally, she would bring up that I wasn’t romantic enough and that I didn’t write her cute letters, but she was fine with it because I’m good at everything else. I got mad at her for experimenting with drugs one time, and we almost broke up from the fighting but we still hung on.
That was when I started becoming less of a Challenge and more of a Wimpus Americanus. I thought that telling me I was her soul mate meant that she would never get tired of me, and I started to slack off big time on being too available. She even managed to convince me that I needed to call or text her every night to say good night, because she’d feel like I didn’t love her if I didn’t. I began to notice that even though she still showed interest in me, she would get mad over some of the little things I did.
Victoria recently got closure with her ex, and she told me all about her conversation with him and that she felt relieved and had no intention of ever getting back with him because of all the pain he put her through and because I was the best thing to happen to her since. Two weeks later, she was a complete wreck because she lost her purse at the mall. That night she told me that she loves me but she wasn’t sure if I was her soul mate anymore. We went on a couple of amazing dates afterwards, and then she found out that someone had returned her purse. I found out through a third party that she had her ex go to the mall and pick it up for her. I confronted her about it and she suggested that we take a break. She wants it to last for a month with no contact between us.
Since reading your columns, I realized that I had brought this on myself. If I had learned about “The System” earlier, all this wouldn’t have happened. I now wonder if Victoria’s interest in me is still above 50%, and whether I still have the chance to start things over and become more of a Challenge like I was in the beginning.
Kasey - who is love-struck and lost
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
It was a HUGE mistake to tell Victoria that you loved her. You NEVER tell a girl between 18 and 22 that you love her. It’s obvious that you haven’t actually read my book, guy.
And it’s likewise very bad that you saw Victoria all the time. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “The less you see her when she’s your girlfriend, the better off you are.” As a result, you became less of a Challenge, and of course you watched her Interest Level begin to slowly plummet. It might be only a point or two a week, but after a while, when it hits 49%, you’re dead in the water.
When you started to become too available, you went against the principle that got her in the first place, and that was CHALLENGE. At first you were cool, you practiced Self-Control and you kept Victoria at arm’s length. But then she got mushy with you and you decided that it was okay to do the same thing with her, and that slaughtered Challenge. What you didn’t seem to realize was that Challenge was what made her fall all over you in the first place. Again, you’re going against the techniques that snared her.
When Victoria wanted you to call or text her every night, you should have said, “No, honey, you gotta tough it out. You know how I feel about you.” And then not given in to her whims.
Then she began to get annoyed by the small things you did. When a girl blows up over nothing, her Interest Level is down in the 60s. And now you bring up an EX! Hey, pal, Victoria’s ex should have been in the very first paragraph of your letter! Until this guy was completely gone, you shouldn’t have been messing with Victoria at all. This was the biggest and most important piece of information in your letter, dude, and you withheld it: THERE WAS AN EX LURKING IN THE BACKGROUND.
Victoria might have said she wanted to be rid of this guy, but she’s still talking to him. So you went out with a girl who hadn’t finished with her ex -- another huge NO-NO. That’s actually your biggest problem here. And with a girl between 18 and 22, you have to expect her to BOLT, because that’s what girls that age do. But again, you would only have known that if you’d actually read my book.
When Victoria told you that she wasn’t sure that you were her soul-mate anymore, you were automatically in deep trouble. Her interest was in the 90s at the beginning, and it’s on its way to the 40s. And you know what that means. Then she got her ex to retrieve her purse. Kasey, she’s still talking to this guy! In other words, it was never finished with him. He’s still not out of the picture by any means.
When Victoria suggested taking a break, it meant she never wants to see you again. Kasey, you are OUT OUT OUT. There’s no other way to say it.
But at least you have enough guts to admit that you screwed up. Of course this would never have happened if you’d had “The System.” To you Psych majors, when you’ve got a keeper, you must have my book down cold and BE PREPARED for whatever comes. But all you’ve done is read my columns. I suggest you memorize “The System” ASAP to prevent further blunders with the next woman you go out with.
Remember, guys: until the ex is gone, you don’t have a chance.
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