Dating Women Advice: How Does Scott Disick Handle An Abused Woman?

YOU CAN'T FIX HER...

He thought was great but unfortunately you can't fix her if she's broken - it's impossible - don't fall into the same trap that he did!

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Dating Women Podcast #087 & #088

087:  He's dating a woman that has a boyfriend that lives out of town - not good
088:  Remember - you're there to date her - not psychoanalyze her

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READER'S QUESTION

Hey Doc,

I’m 37 years young and I’ve been going out with an extraordinarily attractive woman by the name of Samantha, 31, for about six months now. We love spending time together. We’re both friends and romantic partners and from the beginning I envisioned a future together for us.

Unfortunately, as you might have already surmised, there is a “however” involved. Samantha is plagued by issues that I don’t know how to handle. She was abused both emotionally and physically by several ex-boyfriends and her Self-Esteem is hovering around zero. This is a shame because Samantha is beautiful, intelligent, witty, and caring. But she doesn’t believe a positive word I ever say about her because of the mind games she has been subjected to by these other men.

Now I’ve always been one of those “knight in shining armor” types who is faithful, doesn’t throw temper tantrums, remembers to put the toilet seat down, gives my lady fresh flowers every week, etc. But whenever Samantha and I talk about our future, she ends up breaking down in tears. I’m totally baffled by what happens at these times. She tells me that she doesn’t deserve to be treated so nicely and runs away because everything I am as a man is so foreign to her. Sometimes she won’t be available for days on end after these incidents. It’s as though she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to break up with her – a shoe I don’t have in my hand. After this stuff happens, Samantha leaves my head spinning in confusion.

Doc, I want Samantha to know that she is a valuable person and worthy of the love I want to give her. But I am not a psychiatrist and don’t have any idea of how to deal with Samantha’s more deeply embedded psychological issues. Have any of your students ever had a woman who has been abused by old boyfriends and were then able to have a normal relationship with her? I don’t want to lose Samantha, but I have grave doubts about our future together if Samantha can’t even discuss it together rationally. Any ideas for what I should do? Should I stay with Samantha or try to move on to someone who is less damaged? The problem is that I’m so in love with her that the thought of leaving her behind deeply pains me.

Austen - who is deeply frustrated


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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER

Hi Austen,

First of all, Samantha’s boyfriends were not the source of her Self-Esteem issues. Those guys didn’t take her when she had high Self-Esteem and then went and lowered it. She came to them with low Self-Esteem. This all goes back to what happened to her in childhood. Think about it: why else would she pick these losers? So what really happened is that the true damage to Samantha happened prior to these old boyfriends. As the great Doctor Freud once said, “She saw something in them she liked because of that damage.” Her boyfriends were jerks, and some jerk took advantage of her as a child.

You talk about Samantha being beautiful, witty and caring and intelligent, but you don’t talk about her emotional condition. This poor woman is damaged goods. She’s like the bulimic woman who is five-seven and 95 pounds but sees herself as five-seven and 160 pounds. She might be a brilliant doctor or scientist or model, but she has a problem and doesn’t see herself realistically. The same with Samantha. She might have some great qualities, including looks, but she doesn’t believe that she has them. And that’s sad. You can talk to her until the cows come home and she’ll never believe you when you tell her something good. So like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This is the type of woman you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with.” Eventually her problems will affect your Interest Level and you’ll leave.

You say that you’re a knight in shining armor type, but it’s obvious to me that you also want to play Samantha’s babysitter and psychiatrist. You can’t do it, dude. And you spoil Samantha, too, by showering her with things like flowers. That’s another problem you have, on top of her emotional damage.

Samantha breaks down in tears because talking about the future scares the hell out of her. She can’t help but look at her track record and know what’s going to happen. If you have a woman who loses it when you talk about the future with her, you have massive problems. This is yet one more problem, on top of Samantha’s problem of low Self-Esteem and your insistence on spoiling her.

When Samantha told you that she flips out because you treat her nice, she told you the truth. This woman is used to jerks. She’s used to guys hitting her. And you’re a gentleman with manners and class and social skills? She’s never been around that, Austen. She doesn’t know how to handle it in spite of her beauty and intelligence.

Now let me get this straight. Samantha is supposedly in love with you and she disappears for days on end when you simply bring up the future? Do you think that she gets an “A” or an “F” in Stability?

Samantha’s not waiting for anything. She just doesn’t like talking about the future when you’re included in it. So don’t rationalize like most men. Your head spins in confusion over this stuff because you haven’t memorized my materials. If you had, you would have split with Samantha by now.

Dude, you will never get Samantha to believe what you tell her about herself. You don’t get it – she is wired to believe that she is not worthy of you. That’s the way she feels – and it started long before she met you or her jerk boyfriends.

You’re going to have to get out of this thing with Samantha because you’re not equipped to deal with her more deeply ingrained problems. No, sadly, none of my students have ever turned around a damaged woman. And to you Psych majors, if you can’t talk to her, you cannot get married. What should you do? Say goodbye. Anybody you go out with in the future is going to be less damaged than Samantha.

My friend, it’s going to be very, very painful to leave this woman behind. But you knew in the first couple of months that she was a whack-job. Now it’s time to pay for all the fun you had.

Remember, guys: if she’s broken, you can’t fix her.

About the Author

Leave a Reply 16 comments

John :itchfield - 3 September 2017 Reply

Doc called it in the first paragraph in his response!

    DocLove - 5 September 2017 Reply

    Thanks for the support

John Litchfield - 3 September 2017 Reply

Please pardon typo in first post. It’s “Litchfield”, not “:itchfield”.

    DocLove - 5 September 2017 Reply

    No problem at all – have a great day

N - 6 September 2017 Reply

I like how you say this part “Now it’s time to pay for all the fun you had” .. Soo true !!

    DocLove - 9 September 2017 Reply

    Thank you – I appreciate you reading and for the support!

David James - 6 September 2017 Reply

It’s a real shame when an otherwise good woman is “totaled” due to emotional scars. Sadly this woman may quite well be one to love the Alpha Male/Macho Boy/Badboy/Jerk types even when she could have a respectful classy gentleman with manners.

    DocLove - 9 September 2017 Reply

    David,

    Thanks for writing – the nice thing about my materials is we BOTTOM LINE this type of stuff and the BOTTOM LINE – as you correctly point out – is that she is “totaled” so we don’t worry about the multitude of reasons she got that way – we just quickly assess she is not going to be a good long-term prospect for a SYSTEM (www.doclove.com/system) guy and quickly move on to a woman with long-term potential. I appreciate the support.

Moe - 6 September 2017 Reply

This, right here, is why it is imperative to own, read and internalize the system!

I recently dated a very attractive young woman, but right from the beginning I was able to pick up on her emotional baggage just by listening to her! She talked a lot about her father and the difficult relationship she has had with him as a child. After letting things play out a little, I was able to verify the system on two separate occasions and was MASSIVELY turned off! Despite her being amazingly attractive I knew I had to walk away. Its quite amazing how perceptive you become once you memorize the book!

I feel bad for the girl, I really do, but I feel even worse for the unsuspecting turkey who is going end up paying for her dad’s transgressions against her.

Thank you doc for the system, I keep dodging bullets all the time!

    DocLove - 9 September 2017 Reply

    Great story Moe – keep on studying and quickly avoiding Ms. Wrong like you are. You are getting closer to Ms. Right! Thanks for the support.

Tanmay - 6 September 2017 Reply

Big fan of yours Doc. I dated a girl like this. Dropped her when I saw the red flags ( date 4).

She is a decent human being. Not wanting her as a lover, I still wanted to be friends. Not expecting anything in return, I just wanted to make the world a slightly better place by helping her.

Sadly, I ended our friendship after two months, because I could not find a way. She was not stubborn, but I had doubts in my capability to help her.

Doc, is it impossible to help a person in such a situation ? Aside from my love life, I really do want to make the world a better place.

    DocLove - 9 September 2017 Reply

    Thank you for the support – your question is interesting that many guys can learn from. Could you call the radio show with it? http://www.datingwomenradioshow.com – we air each Wednesday for an hour at 5 p.m. PT / 8:00 p.m. ET. The short answer is you can’t fix anyone – they have to want to fix themselves – but there is so much more we could bring out in a call.

Scott - 7 September 2017 Reply

I’ve been reading letters to Doc and his responses for a few years.. It’s good to see the comment section back and fully functional. There are many stories I’ve read here where I’ve wondered if the advice seeker did or did not follow Doc’s valuable words and how the situations turned out. Did this one marry her? Did that one dump the girl? Where are they now? Not in this letter though, which is a slam-dunk. Adios Samantha.

    DocLove - 9 September 2017 Reply

    Scott – thank you for the support!

Mike - 7 September 2017 Reply

It is funny because I have seen women with self esteem problems respond better to a guy who pulls away more than a guy who is a rescue type. Now with that said, the guy that pulls away does not have to be an abusive type for the woman to be attractive to them, I have seen that to be true with guys I know. In my opinion, I just think abused women or low self esteem women are just use to wanting to fight for another man’s attention more so than a women with high self esteem due to their need to want to be a fixer of a guy with their own baggage due to having the need to take care of unfinished business from their childhood. Unfortunately, I think abused women are addicted to drama too and if a guy with baggage ever sobered up, then they would probably want to move on to somebody else.
Either way, the emotional problems that come with someone like that is a lot to deal with. I have seen guys who are rescuers eventually get cheated on as well as guys who clean up their act with women who have that baggage because, again, those women lose interest in somebody who trys to fix them or, again, a woman who is addicted to drama. Usually both people involved both have a lot of codependant issues which makes the relationship unhealthy. Even a rescuer needs to look into his own past to see his own issues. I know a lot of rescue types that have come from the Indian culture, Korean culture, and from extreme conservative white American cultures as well due to the pressures of pleasing their parents and others in the environments that they were raised in. Doc, I think your System is great for those individual men including me who was raised as a conservative catholic. Anyways, it is what it is.

    DocLove - 9 September 2017 Reply

    Thanks for writing Mike and thanks for your support.

    You can actually simplify things to just a very simple BOTTOM LINE PRINCIPLE that says that you as a good guy just needs one FLEXIBLE GIVER with integrity, good self-esteem and someone as willing to wish you well as you wish her well. I tell guys not to worry about anything else beyond that because you can literally confuse yourself with a ton of variables and THE DATING DICTIONARY is all about efficiency – and it is efficient to avoid the wrong women as quickly as possible so you can get to the one right one and treat her great (as she should be treating you).

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