Dating Women Podcast Episode 33
More Outlaw Dave interviews featuring Doc are on this week's podcast including:
*Selecting the right girl
*10 great tips for a first date
Hit the "listen now" link below to get this show!
PS - if you want even more audio - listen to our weekly Dating Women Radio Show (Wednesdays at 5:00 p.m. PT / 8:00 p.m. ET)
WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
His wife is in close contact with exes BUT it is HIS FAULT - find out why below.
Read on and don't forget to listen to my Dating Women Radio Show EVERY WEDNESDAY at 5:00 p.m. PT / 8:00 p.m. ET
My wife Lena and I were together for only four months before getting married. We’ve now been married a year and a half. I love her deeply and I believe that she loves me.
The problem is that we always quarrel over her phone calls with her friends and the photos they post on her Facebook page. I believe that these old “friends” of hers were really her ex-boyfriends. Sometimes she claims that these people are her relatives, which I know is a lie. For instance, after she takes these phone calls, I’ve traced them and discovered that the callers were old boyfriends and are not related to her at all.
When I’ve confronted Lena with this evidence, we get into major arguments during which I demand to know why she lies to me. These standoffs can last for days, sometimes even a week. Eventually Lena will ask me to forgive her. After a few months the argument will recur, then I will forgive her again and we continue our lives together.
Now I’ve found out that she has been chatting with an ex-boyfriend when I am at work. An argument broke out, Lena has left our home and I haven’t seen her for almost three weeks. She has gone back to live with her family, but she’s called me and admitted that all of our problems are her fault and that she wants me to forgive her again. Even though I love Lena, I can’t bring myself to forgive her this time. In other words, I’m feeling very ambivalent about going forward with her, and I feel very much in a dilemma over her – she is, after all, my wife.
Any suggestions what I should do, Doc?
Jordi - who probably shouldn’t have forgiven her the first time
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
“The System” says that you should date a woman for TWO YEARS before getting married. When you follow that principle, and you listen to my Doc Love Club Radio Show and you test yourself with my Mastery Series, you will discover the 10% that you don’t like about your girlfriend. There will always be 10% that you don’t care for in any woman. You will then have to ask yourself whether you can put up with that 10% that you don’t care for. If it’s 11% that you dig, of course you have to drop her. But only through getting those two years in with her and going by my techniques will you significantly cut your odds of having trouble in the future.
To you Psych majors, before the girl you’re dating becomes your girlfriend, you have to ask her whether she has any contact with ex-boyfriends and if there are any of these guys lurking in the background. If she says yes, then you say “Let’s leave the relationship as it is.” Notice that you don’t say that you don’t want to be her boyfriend. If she brings it up, tell her that you’re not demanding that she get rid of the exes, you’re just telling her that she’s not ready to be your girlfriend because she has contact with her exes. A smart girl will come back with “I’ll get rid of all my exes and I won’t have any contact with them.” Then and only then do you make her your girlfriend. In your case though Jordi, it’s too late because you didn’t do this with Lena. In addition to a huge rush into marriage, you got hitched to this woman when she was in contact with all of her exes. Because you were so determined to rush into matrimony, you didn’t see what was going on with her. And now of course you’re suffering the consequences.
Lena lies to you only to defend herself. But you shouldn’t be arguing with her over this now. You have to let it go. Why? Because you married her when she was having contact with her exes and it was part of the deal. Also, you said that Lena loves you. I certainly understand how you feel of course, because what your wife is doing with these exes is disrespectful to you. It has nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with RESPECT.
What you have to do now is never bring the subject up with Lena again. If she wants to talk to her exes, let her talk to them because you indirectly okayed this pattern when you rushed into marrying her.
So you haven’t seen Lena for three weeks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Dude, you’re going to lose your wife over this.” What’s hard to understand is why she just doesn’t terminate contact with her exes. That’s all she has to do. Why can’t she do that? What this signifies is that you didn’t really know her, guy. You married a woman you were only acquainted with for 120 days.
Now Lena wants you to forgive her for the twentieth time. My friend, you should do that and never bring up the subject again even if you happen to catch her talking to an ex. Why? Because she’s your wife. What if she happened to be pregnant? Then what would you do? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remember, when you get married to have to learn to give more.”
Here’s what you should say to her: “Honey, just tell me that you’re going to end all contact with your exes, and I’ll forgive everything and we can start off with a blank slate. We’re married. I’m not talking to my exes and I’m not buddy-buddy with any of them. I would never do that because it would be an insult to you.”
Remember, guys: when she’s your wife, you have to give more.
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