Dating Women Podcast Episode 27
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WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
She is hiding him from her parents. Problem? BIG ONE!
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I met Imogen, an aspiring singer, over a year ago online. This is a long distance relationship since we live 70 miles from each other. I normally never call her on the phone and all of our dates have been arranged via short text message and then we have no contact until we see each other unless she sends me a text, which I reply briefly to with humor. I have utilized your teachings and done my best to always remain a Challenge. But there are some caveats that I must lay out.
Imogen is 22 and I’m 40. I know this is a huge age gap and a deal-breaker for you. Another big one is that her parents don’t know about me. Imogen comes from a traditional Indian family and she has been hiding our relationship from them. In fact, she lies to them about where she is when she’s with me.
Imogen asked me to be her boyfriend by saying she didn’t want me dating anyone else. I waited for her to initiate that as per your teachings. I can honestly say that every one of our dates has been great. We have fun and I always try to keep it light. We have a very strong physical attraction to each other and she can’t keep her hands off me. I always try to remain a Challenge and let her initiate touching.
Fast forward eight months and we have not gotten romantic all the way, if you catch my drift. Imogen has asked me to, but I told her I am in no rush and would like to wait.
But I have a handful of concerns even after reading your book many times and memorizing it for the past two years. I know I have broken many of your rules. My biggest concern is whether waiting to get romantic is lowering Imogen’s Interest Level. I know to always assess her interest and it hasn’t appeared to have changed.
I know that meeting Imogen’s parents is nothing to rush into and you teach that it should not happen until at least six months. But I’m not comfortable with her lying to her parents to see me and hiding our relationship. Honesty and Integrity are huge to me. Imogen exhibits them in every other area of her life, but her traditional Indian parents would not approve of me at all.
One other thing. Imogen is currently in Los Angeles for a month for a popular singing reality show. There is also a chance that she will be out there again for a couple of months later this year. So I have a compound long-distance relationship going on and I know you are very much against this.
Any coaching you can offer to keep this going positively would be great. I love this girl but realize the odds are stacked very much against me. And I know that you’re an odds man.
Burke - who wonders how he’s going to beat the odds
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
The problem with being 70 miles away from Imogen is that you’re anywhere from any hour and 10 minutes to an hour and a half away from seeing each other. So this is a borderline situation. Ideally you want the girl to be anywhere from five miles to 25 miles away. But as you extend the distance, it gets harder to sustain the relationship. If something ever came up out of the blue where you had to get together quickly, you couldn’t do it because you’re just too far away from one another.
Now let me get this straight. Imogen’s 22 and you’re…40? What do I tell you in “The System?” I tell you that 18 to 22-year-olds are dangerous because they fall in and out of love in five minutes. And you’re 40, dude! At your age you should be with someone who’s certainly not in her 20s! Imogen might be physically mature, but she doesn’t have your life experience. In other words, she’s simply not grown up and you are.
The fact that Imogen is hiding you from her family is really, really bad. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “There’s going to be a day of reckoning.” A time is going to come when she’s going to have to introduce you to them or they’re going to find out about you. And they will be shocked when they see that you’re 40 and not a 22-year-old kid. Secondly, it’s going to hit Imogen’s parents that their daughter has been lying to them all this time. And that means you’re going to be out. And since she’s from a traditional family, you’re really going to be out! In addition, they might want her to marry someone from a traditional Indian background.
I do congratulate you, however, on your ability to work Challenge, Burke. The majority of guys do not realize the power of Challenge. When you’re a Challenge, girls literally cannot keep their hands off you. But most guys have their hands all over the girl, and therefore they butcher Challenge.
By waiting to become intimate with Imogen, you’re being a Challenge. This strategy is NOT lowering her interest at all. You should wait for sex until you get married anyway.
While Imogen’s interest in you hasn’t changed, you have to remember that you’re living a lie with her. Also, she’s 70 miles away and from a different culture and her parents don’t know about you. So these are really your biggest problems – not whether or not you’re being romantic all the way. In fact, the longer you wait, the better.
It might not be important to rush into meeting Imogen’s parents, but again, you two are living a lie, so it’s irrelevant. And her parents wouldn’t approve of you anyway, because like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re old enough to be her father.” So you couldn’t blame them for not digging you. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When all this deception comes out, there will be hell to pay.”
When Imogen is out in L.A., that’s when she’ll meet some good-looking guys between 22 and 25! You have to understand this, Burke: even if her interest is in the 90s and you have a lot of time in with her, it would still be much better if you were 23 or 24 or 25 instead of 40. To you Psych majors, you can’t trust a 22-year-old, whatever country she’s from. At 22, they fall in love by the hour -- simple as that.
My friend, your best bet is to meet Imogen’s parents. Slowly she has to bring you into her relationship with them. But as a conservative family, they’re most likely to tell her, “Get rid of him or get rid of us!” And when that happens, Imogen will drop you because she’s not going to write her family off.
Remember, guys: when you’re dating a girl, tell her not to lie to her family about you.
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