Dating Women Advice: Does John Mayer Ever Wonder Where His Girlfriend Is?

Dating Women Podcast Episode 26


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*How not to be a nice guy
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WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?

He fell for a HOT MESS - why I don't know - and now he is in MAJOR PAIN.  Guys, YOU CAN'T CHANGE OR HELP HER no matter how hard you try (case in point is below!)

Read on and don't forget to listen to my Dating Women Radio Show EVERY WEDNESDAY at 5:00 p.m. PT / 8:00 p.m. ET

READER'S QUESTION

Hey Doc,

I’ve been living with Portia for two years. We’ve known each other for over 10 years. We’ve been both best friends and had a romantic relationship. She’s helped me through a lot of hard times, and I helped her with a lot of her emotional baggage, and she has a lot of emotional baggage. For instance, she and her daughter, who is nine, and the rest of her family as a whole, go into immediate “argue mode” whenever they get together. Also, Portia is very high maintenance. For a long time I’ve tried to make her love herself because she has such low Self-Esteem. She was there for me during trying times and I wanted to repay her by building her up. I wanted to make her feel good about herself and also about me.

Portia chased me looking to have a relationship for two years before I committed. I kept our dates to two per week during that time. Now that we live together it seems that the fire between us has dwindled. I think it’s a bit of resentment on my part and a lack of space. Portia can also be somewhat manipulative.

Anyway, I’ve now caught Portia in a physical relationship with another guy. I’m super emotional about it and have started to get clingy and jealous. I immediately referred to “The System,” which I have studied for a very long time. I don’t believe Portia’s interest fell to 49%. I believe that it dropped to 57%. It seems to me that I can raise it because when I’m a Challenge and let her initiate, Portia hugs me and kisses my cheek a lot. Her behavior is inconsistent though. Last night she told me that she would be home at midnight, but it’s the next day and she’s still not back.

I don’t think we’re at the point of no return, and I would like to salvage this relationship if I can. Doc, how do I use Challenge to boost Portia’s interest? And can I save this relationship? Also, how do I control my own Interest Level? I think it goes too high sometimes even though I try to keep it down.

Zach - who has to wonder who she’s with

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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER

Hi Zach,

Right off the bat you tell me that Portia has lots of emotional baggage. In “The System” there’s a section called SCARS AND BAGGAGE. It’s there you learn that the less emotional baggage the female has, the easier it will be for the man involved to be happy. So what this means is that you were in trouble from the get-go. In fact, from the very beginning you were dead in the water with this woman.

I call Portia’s family type a “drama family” because all they do is fight whenever they get together. And this puts a burden on you, the male in this relationship. Then you tell me that she’s a high maintenance case. You might be trying to build her up, but you’re writing me because you have a huge problem between her emotional baggage and family and maintenance issues. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What does she do for a hobby, rob banks?” In addition you’ve become Portia’s shrink, which obviously hasn’t helped at all. Trying to build up Portia’s Self-Esteem is a nice thought, Zach, but you’re talking to the wall.

Then you tell me that Portia is manipulative. Man, this babe has a lot of plusses, doesn’t she! And you add that you’ve caught her with another guy. So what you’re telling me – besides all the other problems you have with Portia – is that she has absolutely zero Loyalty. The number one thing a man wants in a relationship with a woman is Loyalty, and this woman is devoid of it.

Let me explain something to you. When your woman goes to bed with another guy, your reaction is not a matter of jealousy. It has to do with RESPECT. Portia DOES NOT respect you, Zach. She knows she can get away with pulling stuff on you. And she also knows that you’ll take her back, because you’re a weakling and your Interest Level is in the 90s, where it shouldn’t be. So you might have studied my book, but you didn’t memorize it and act according to its principles.

Portia’s Interest Level IS 49%. When it’s below 50%, that’s when she’s goes to bed with other guys! When it’s above 50%, she only goes to bed with you.

You’ve noticed that Portia shows you some affection when you’re a Challenge. In other words, when you back off and give the woman space, she will chase you. That’s the key to Challenge, and my grasp of Challenge and Interest Level is what separates me from all the other ineffectual love doctors out there.

But now Portia’s been gone overnight and you have no idea where she is. Hey – maybe she met another guy! You just have to learn to roll with these things, Zach! Just because she goes to bed with different guys doesn’t mean she’s not a keeper! NOT!

But you insist that you and Portia have not hit the point of no return. Like my cousin General Love says, “Does she have to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger before you face up to reality?”

Zach, let me explain something else to you because you seem not to have noticed it: Portia is a complete mess. This woman has everything wrong with her. And the really sad part is what she’s doing to her nine-year-old daughter. The poor girl is going to grow up to be just like her mother – a royal pain in the butt.

You can’t salvage this relationship, Zach. You can only find someone to replace Portia. I can’t believe that you’ve known her for 10 years and you found out all of these things about her and none of them were deal-breakers to you. You mean you never said to yourself, “Gee, I’ve got a bad girl here” or “Maybe I should move on?” And you have “The System,” which would knock this woman right out of the picture! On the other hand, I can believe it. Your problem, guy, is that your Interest Level is in the 90s. To you Psych majors, an Interest Level in the 90s is the most dangerous place it can be for a man.

You can’t raise Portia’s interest now because it’s below 50%. Once it’s under 50%, it can’t come back up again. So there’s nothing to save. How do you control your Interest Level? By leaving Portia and memorizing my book, then practicing Challenge on the next woman you meet.

Remember, guys - if she’s a big mess, why are you with her?

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