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WEEKLY ARTICLE (from 7/27/16 – remember that when you join The Doc Love Club you get an article like this weekly)
DOES JUDE LAW EVER HAVE TROUBLE FIGURING A GIRL OUT?
I’m a regular reader of your columns and I’ve purchased “The System” and am starting to study it thoroughly. I’m in medical school and recently got out of a long-term relationship, which I now consider a blessing, because while reading your book I realized how many Red Flags I overlooked.
Anyway, I’ve been interested in Karlee for quite a long time. We’ve been friends for six years, but we haven’t seen each other in a year. She called to ask if we could meet up. She’s in a year-long relationship which is falling apart. I didn’t go straight for it, but instead kept cool and said that I was busy and that she should call me next week. She did call, and we arranged a meeting at a local cafe where we sat and talked for three hours. It was a really light and fun conversation, with lots of laughter. After a couple of days we went on a long bicycle ride and had a great time together.
Karlee is really a great woman and certainly a Flexible Giver, but I just can’t seem to figure out whether I have a chance with her or not. That’s really hard for me to discern, because she’s a hard to solve woman. I think that she gives me a lot of buying signals. She always looks me in the eyes when we talk, smiles a lot, listens to me and is genuinely interested in my opinions. On our last walk, she asked me all of a sudden what are my thoughts on marriage and if I would like to have a wedding or not. She’s asked a lot of those questions lately. What bothers me though is that she touched me only once or twice. After reading your articles I’ve concluded that she has no romantic interest in me whatsoever, until I remembered that she rarely touches anybody.
Doc, should I wait for Karlee to break up with her boyfriend, and how long should I wait to go after her after that?
Vernon – who’s afraid of jumping the gun
It’s amazing how many guys have written or come to me for coaching when they’ve picked up on one or two Red Flags with their girl, not realizing that they’re missing five or six others because they haven’t studied my book. In other words, a guy will have seven problems when he really thinks he only has one or two. This is where “The System” is absolutely invaluable. It helps you to recognize and diagnose problems.
With Karlee you have to realize that you’re messing with a girl who has a boyfriend that she hasn’t dumped yet. HUGE RED FLAG. But you went ahead and hung out with her anyway for three hours, which is much too long. Dude, you’re solidly in the Friendship Zone here. You’re acting as Karlee’s shrink, which is the wrong place for you to be right now. You should have spent only one hour with her and gotten out of there so that she would have wanted to call you again to have another get together. It’s called CHALLENGE in case you missed it in my book! But here’s the bigger problem: you really shouldn’t be spending any time AT ALL with this babe because she’s not available.
How do you know that Karlee is a Flexible Giver? How do you know what she’s like when she’s involved in a romantic relationship? She’s never been your girlfriend, Vernon. You’ve never been with her as her boyfriend, so the truth is that you know nothing whatsoever about her in an emotional, romantic mode. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “For all you know, she’s selfish and controlling when she’s dating a guy.”
Sure, Karlee might be interested in your opinions, but in the same way that she’s interested in her girlfriend’s or her brother’s opinions – no big deal at all.
When she asked you about marriage, you should have said, “Why? Are you thinking about marrying your boyfriend?” And if she said no, you should have said “So when are you going to get rid of him?”
Karlee doesn’t touch you because you’re really just her girlfriend, Vernon. Furthermore, touching is not even relevant in this situation because you’re just a buddy to her. That’s what you don’t seem to understand. You’re trying to cross over into Boyfriend Land after being pals with a girl for six years. You have to realize that Karlee’s never had romantic thoughts about you, ever. So what you have to do is start asking her how to handle a girl you’re going out with – even though she doesn’t exist. In other words, you have to get Karlee to look at you in a different light. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “As it stands right now, this is nothing but a big illusion in your mind and a complete waste of time.”
You shouldn’t be putting in any kind of time with Karlee at all. You’re expending a tremendous amount of energy with her on nothing but a friendship basis. So you have to cut down the amount of time you spend with her and come up with excuses why you can’t spend time with her. But here’s the dilemma you face: since you’re really only her girlfriend, when you start to turn her down for getting together it’s going to look strange.
What you should be doing instead of wasting all this time on Karlee is HUSTLING OTHER GIRLS. And when Karlee calls you, talk to her about your other girls and ask for advice about your love life. This is your only shot at making her think about you differently, and forcing her to think that maybe you would be good as a boyfriend instead of just a chum or a therapist. But until her boyfriend is out of the picture for good, you’re just frittering away your time and this is nothing but a DEAD END.
Remember, guys: if she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.
ADVANCED SYSTEM CLASS (from 7/27/16 – remember that when you join The Doc Love Club you get an article like this weekly)
NEEDING MS. RIGHT IS NOT THE RIGHT PLAY
In THE SYSTEM any form of the word NEED is a recipe for disaster. Neediness, needing Ms. Right – anything to do with that word is terrible for you.
I appreciate that you want Ms. Right – that having her in your life would be awesome and enhance what you have going on in many different ways but looking to her as a need means you have much missing.
When you hear me talk about the 3 PERCENTERS (the guys you should aspire to be like) do you ever imagine one of them wringing his hands after a night out saying his weekend is ruined because he didn’t meet anyone when he went out Friday?
Seems pretty laughable but there are guys this happens to – they think that no matter what their life is going to change and be this mythical land of milk and honey because the object of their desire becomes their girlfriend.
How much of life do you spend in your own head? 10%? 50%? 94.4%? How about 100%! Your life is completely lived out in your own perceptions of what’s going on. If you have decided that only something external like Ms. Right is what you “need” then you’re in for a ride that will not get you to the destination that you think it will.
Listen, I’m not naive – I get that not having the career, living conditions and girl you want are not exactly things that will cause you to feel great and on top of the world – but step back for a minute and really think about the endless hamster wheel you put yourself on by always “needing” something external to make you satisfied with your life.
Find the career you want? What if you get fired? “I’ve got it now but what if I lose it?
Find the girl you want? What if she breaks up with you – what if she passes away? “I’ve got it now but what if I lose it?”
See what I’m doing there? Fulfilling your “need” will be replaced by the strain of worry because you’ve pointed towards this life you thought you needed and then when you have it you’re trying to hold on with all you’ve got because you figure it’s the only chance to be happy.
You have to make up your mind that life is in the going – day by day – Ms. Right or no Ms. Right. I don’t blame you for aspiring to have her or other good things in your life but keep in mind while you’re waiting for good things to happen your life is currently happening – and only you can decide to make each day the best it can be or wallow in the fact that you’re not where you want to be – which by the way is a myth because again, satisfying a need can easily be replaced with worry.
Remember guys, you have to be okay with yourself each and every day.
Until next week, thanks for your support.
Jeff and I appreciate it.
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