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He did drugs before and the abuse robbed him of his ability to pay attention and women have noticed it when they talk to him. Is it impossible for him to date or can he do something about it?
I don’t know if you can coach me because I have a unique issue, but I thought I would try. And let me say that I’ve read “The System” and I love what you have to say. You’ve really made me think outside of myself to see how other people think of me and my actions, and how to use that knowledge to increase my chances with the ladies!
Anyway, I’m 25 and a pretty decent looking guy. Whenever I go out for a drink at a bar or even to a fast food restaurant girls give me the eye. I play it cool by not showing too much interest. I keep any interaction nonchalant and humorous and I’m really successful in the approach. At first the girls are all over me. It’s afterwards that the problem comes in.
It’s hard for me to keep things progressing with a girl after the initial newness of getting to know each other. And this is because I had some bad drug experiences and have suffered the residual effects, such as not being able to recall things that were just said to me five seconds ago. I forget most things I hear, and I have problems feeling the connection and excitement of bonding with someone. Before these bad drug trips I was runner-up for valedictorian at my high school, I was very sharp, very popular and a well-liked kid. I’ve been on medication, probably 15 different kinds, that target and help different parts of my mind, but none have worked. So I’ve stopped traveling that route and have accepted how I’m feeling.
Girls that like me initially can sense pretty soon that something’s not quite right with me. They know that I’m off, and most have asked if I’m alright. I’m not too “in the moment” most times and have problems keeping conversations going. I can’t help it when it happens. The doctors have figured out that what I have is depersonalization disorder.
Doc, I have great respect for you. How would you deal with this if you were me? Should I tell the girl that I have a problem or keep quiet about it? I’ve lost so many girls because of something I wish I could have control of but don’t. I’m about 85% sure this isn’t inside the normal realm of questions you’re used to answering, but what should I do to increase my odds of winning a girl when I have a problem I can’t fix?
Klay - who should have stayed away from the dope
DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
First of all, I want to congratulate you for realizing that “The System” has made you think outside of yourself and see how other people think of you and your actions, and how to use that invaluable knowledge to increase your chances with the ladies. That’s a terrific point of observation and demonstrates to me that you have brains, my friend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When you have such intelligence and insight, there is hope for you to find your way out of your dilemmas.”
It’s obvious that attracting and meeting women is no problem whatsoever for you and that your real issue -- not being able to tune into a girl – kicks in only after you’ve already made some connection. Now it depends on how often this happens, Klay. What you’re going to have to do is learn to bluff a little. I’m sure that not being able to pay attention doesn’t happen when it comes to every single thing a girl says, and if it does, you have to find a doctor who has the right medication for you. But if it happens only occasionally when you’re with a girl for two or three hours, you’ll be able to figure out a way to make it past that point. And if you can do that, your problem will be MANAGEABLE.
Forget about the excitement of bonding with someone. You have a listening problem, dude. The other part – connecting with someone in a deeper way – will come later. What you have to do is PRACTICE LISTENING in order to get past what’s obstructing your ability to date. You can even say to a girl, “I kind of missed what you just said. Would you do me a favor and repeat it using other words?” Bluff your way through, just as I said before. It can be done.
And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s a shame what dope did to your life.” But there is hope that your problem will pass with time, as so many problems do. Again, no matter whether or not you’ve dropped using therapeutic drugs, you still have to practice the art of listening. So here’s the perfect exercise for you, Klay. Play the CDs that come with the Dating Dictionary and listen to me read two or three sentences. Then put the CD on hold and try to repeat what I just said as practice. Teach yourself to be a better listener. You’ll be killing two birds with one stone: you’ll be both reinforcing the principles of “The System” at the same time as you’re becoming a better listener.
Here’s another antidote for you: practice giving speeches at Toastmasters. If you talk about “The System,” you’ll be speaking about something that you’re an expert in, so it should be easy for you. When you’re through, the girls will all dig you because you’re talking about relationships, which no other guys will be doing. And remember that there are different levels at Toastmasters. If you give a speech in front of 50 or 60 people instead of eight or 10, you might well make the playoffs, and you’ll be known as the Love Doctor.
Keep quiet about any problems you have, Klay. It doesn’t raise Interest Level to talk about your problems. Again, you will have to learn all over again to listen. It’s best if you practice the art of listening and speaking at Toastmasters. You’re also going to join a dance club, so that when you’re busy doing salsa, you won’t have to listen so much. This means that you will expand yourself in areas where you’re in front of a girl but you won’t have to talk and listen to her constantly. Dance lessons will help you enormously to accomplish this.
Remember, guys: if you work hard enough, there is no problem that can’t be overcome.
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