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He spent way too much time with her and didn't set the relationship up right. His pain for doing everything wrong? She "ghosted" him.
I met Amanda at work and we hit it off, but I didn’t make a move as I know to not dip my pen in company ink. But we were together on a long work trip and everything changed. We had a three-month relationship where we were basically on a honeymoon, there was no pressure from other employees, etc.
Then we got back to reality and things went great for a couple weeks. Amanda invited me on a weekend trip with her sister and her sister’s boyfriend. When we returned, I kissed her goodbye as I wouldn’t see her for a week because she was going to be out of town.
Then radio silence. Nothing. She “ghosted” me, and ignored me when she got back to the office. When it was Amanda’s birthday I called her, wished her a happy birthday, and ended the call fairly quickly. But suddenly things became completely awkward at work and whenever we were around each other. Doc, I genuinely like this girl and have tried my best to not be needy or overbearing (all of which I learned from “The System”). We both love sports, are caring people, have great jobs, and tend to have a good time together – or at least we used to.
Amanda and I had no contact over the holidays for three whole weeks. I wanted to separate myself a bit and see how I felt when we got back to work. Things haven’t exactly improved. We talk, text a bit, and play on the same sports teams, but things aren’t the same as when we were being romantic.
I want to get this girl back somehow. I’m angry and confused about the whole ghosting thing, with no explanation or formal breakup. I haven’t asked Amanda what I did wrong because I don’t want to sound needy. I’m totally confused as to what happened and how to handle it.
I understand the concept of attraction and Challenge but I’m at a loss for how to build it back up in this situation. Anything you can give me would be incredibly useful.
Stanley - who is at the end of his wits
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First of all, you should NOT have been on a three-month honeymoon with Amanda. What you should have done instead was talked to all the other women on the trip and not her. She wasn’t your girlfriend at the time. She never asked you be her boyfriend. You had no time in with her and all of a sudden you were thrown together for three months. What you should have done instead of falling all over her was stay away from her and make all the other babes laugh.
In other words, dude, you slaughtered Challenge right off the bat. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It was too much too soon.” Then you came right back and did group dates with Amanda before you were formally her boyfriend. Another huge mistake.
What happened when Amanda ghosted you was the consequence of spending too much time with her without having a lot of time in with her first, before you went on that long trip with her. And you didn’t really know “The System” even though you have the book. If you had, Amanda would be crawling all over you right now. But she’s not because you burned her out very quickly.
Being needy and overbearing isn’t at all a factor here. The hard reality of the situation is that your Interest Level is over 85% and Amanda’s is just 45%. So anyone can see that you can’t begin to compare your Interest Levels. It doesn’t matter at all that you’re both great people and have a great time together. If you’d actually read my book, you’d know that the only thing that counts is the WOMAN’S INTEREST LEVEL. And you don’t happen to mention that at all.
Stanley, if you really have my book, please read what it says about going back – it can’t be done. You didn’t have “The System” down enough to where you could handle a girl for three months on a romantic trip. What happened was that on that honeymoon you went back to your old self and made all kinds of blunders, whether or not you realized it.
Why are you confused about being ghosted? To you Psych majors, when she wants to break up with you, she won’t answer the phone -- simple as that. So what’s the big deal? Charlize Theron ghosted Sean Penn when she had enough. You’re in the same boat, pal.
I know you don’t want to sound needy, but there’s no point in asking Amanda why she dumped you – as if she would ever tell you! Are you sure you have my book? You turned her off, man. Her Interest Level was 95% and now it’s 45%. That means you’re OUT.
You can’t build up Challenge now, Stanley. Once her interest goes south of 50%, you’re finished. At that point, you can’t build anything back up. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “It’s like shutting the barn gate after the horse done escaped.”
What you have to do now is forget about Amanda and read my book once a week for 15 weeks, then seven pages per night for the rest of your life. You didn’t really know “The System” except superficially, and that’s what went wrong here.
Remember, guys: if she doesn’t ask you to be her boyfriend, you don’t have a relationship.
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